


Who am I, without you

by someone_worth_racing_for



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Fear, Friends With Benefits, Friendship, From friends to lovers, How will they handle that?, I still don't know where this came from.., Insecure Lando, Lando and Max are head over heels in love with the one they can not have, Lando finds out about Carlos leaving the team in the worst way, Lando just wants his Carlos back, Love, M/M, Slow Burn, So many emotions, Surprise! Also Carlos is head over heels in love with Lando, and I also don't know where to start.., but the story begins in March 2020, but they are not the only one being helpless in love, chapter 2 is all about Carlos, his point of view thoughts and feelings, one misunderstanding after the other, so we can understand the things he has said and done as well, sulky Lando, there are also two rivals who have deep feelings for each other, there is no season in 2020
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:27:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 46,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26984392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someone_worth_racing_for/pseuds/someone_worth_racing_for
Summary: I think the taggs already say it all 😉
Relationships: Carlos Sainz Jr & Charles Leclerc, Carlos Sainz Jr & Max Verstappen, Charles Leclerc/Carlos Sainz Jr, Charles Leclerc/Max Verstappen, Lando Norris & Max Verstappen, Lando Norris/Carlos Sainz Jr, lando norris & charlec leclerc
Comments: 35
Kudos: 112





	1. Chapter 1

That Lando was to his bones shocked, so disappointed that it brought tears into his eyes, angry like he had never been before in his life and sad that his whole body was shaking and did hurt, was the understatement of the millennium. First he had thought it were fake news, but then he looked at the Instagram account, which had posted those breaking news and his whole world crashed right in front of his eyes.

_Carlos Sainz Jr. will join Ferrari in 2021._

Lando could still remember that he was motionless in the very first seconds, maybe it were also minutes, he couldn’t tell any more. But then this news slowly sank into him and he had to realize it on this bitter cold March day, if he wanted or not. It was official and no stupid joke, even when he had first thought, wished so.

Every few minutes he had to get through something else. Once it was this deep sadness, then he was in rage, one second later tears were falling over his cheeks down to his shaking hands and in the next he had hope, that maybe everything was an early April fool.

But then Lando’s phone did ring and because of the caller ID he knew it wasn’t just a joke, like he still hoped for. It was the damn truth, the reality. Carlos tried to call him and because of all those feelings rushing through his body at that moment, Lando couldn’t answer the call.

The Spaniard tried it two, three, four, five more times to call him and with every more time he tried, the younger one got more and more angry. It replaced the whole sadness and disappointment. All he could feel any more was anger.

Why hadn’t Carlos told him _anything_ about it? Why did he have to found out about it this way? His team mate’s – no, his ex-team mate’s excuse Lando didn’t even want to hear. He had always thought they were friends. Lando had been even stupid enough to think that there could be something more between the two of them than just friends.

Not even two weeks ago, when they were testing in Barcelona, the two team mates had been watching a movie together in Carlos’ room. At one point they had both fallen asleep, because in the middle of the night, Lando found himself inside his friend’s arms.

They both were aware about that the other one also wasn’t sleeping, but still they pretended like they were, while Lando cuddled himself even closer against Carlos’ warm body and the Spaniard held him tighter than necessary and even placed some long, strong kisses into his hairline.

They were cuddling in their sleep until the next morning. Carlos had spooned him, when the sun had risen up and the young Brit knew it was time for him to sneak back into his room, before Jon will pick him up for their flight back home.

But before, Lando enjoyed the peace for some more precious moments. He listened to his team mate’s calm, steady breathing tickling his ear from behind, his warmth pressed tightly against his back and his arms holding him close like he was his most precious treasure.

Before Lando slipped out of the bed, he turned around to face Carlos to watch his cute, so peaceful looking face, while he was dreaming. A smile did spread out onto his lips, while he eyed his beauty all closely. He even let his fingers slide through his dark hair strains, before he leaned slowly forward to press a soft kiss onto his cheek and finally left on his tiptoes.

Even when Lando was wearing one of his hoodies once again, he still felt cold during their flight back to England. Of course, Carlos noticed him shiver right next to him, got him a blanket and wrapped him all protective into it.

Grateful the younger one sank into the warmth, but he still felt kind of cold. Carlos was too far away for his liking, so he crawled closer to his side, till the Spaniard placed his arm around his shoulders to pull him into his side and closer to his warmth.

But it still wasn’t enough affection for Lando. Only when he grabbed for his warm hand, he found his peace. Carlos squeezed his hand softly and smiled in such a loving way down at him, that Lando’s whole body was on fire suddenly. They were holding hands under the blanket the whole flight long, also when they had both drifted off into a nap.

Back in the UK they actually had some work to do after the testing, but it never came so far. Before Carlos and Lando could have seen each other again, after spending the night together and cuddle during their flight back home, the Coronavirus broke out and their all lives changed.

Carlos flew back to Spain to his family, as long as he was still allowed to do so. Of course, Lando understood that and his need to be close to his family, while no one knew how this all will turn out, but at the same time he felt so sad to know his team mate wasn’t close to him any more. The afternoon on the airport in England, where they had waved good-bye to each other, was the last time they had seen one another.

Quickly it turned out that nothing will be back to normal that quickly and easily soon again. The whole next season was already cancelled and everyone should stay at home. It was hard at the beginning, knowing that he won’t be able to drive a Formula One car for probably the next few months, but the news that he won’t ever be able to drive his car next to Carlos’ was one hundred times harder.

Lando felt so betrayed and stupid to believe that they were real friends, not even to mention that there could have been something between them. There were no feelings, at least not on the Spaniard’s side and even when Lando had always thought he knew Carlos, he actually knew nothing about him.

For him, Carlos was dead. Like he had never existed in his life.

But still the older one tried to call him again and again, he even wrote him three messages to please pick up the phone, because he urgently needed to talk to him. After seven more calls, Lando got another message from him and this time he didn’t even open it.

He didn’t even read one word, instead he deleted it instantly and all the other messages they had ever written and he had kept all the time. He also deleted Carlos’ number, after he had blocked it, so he could never ever try to contact him again. Next he unfollowed him on all his social media accounts and blocked him there as well.

Suddenly it was so quiet, with his phone not ringing constantly any more. Lando had cried himself into sleep that night, after laying awake for hours. He woke up because Zak tried to call him. Still all sleepily and with red, swollen eyes, the younger one answered the call.

His boss began to speak instantly about Carlos and his move to Ferrari. Lando couldn’t even hear his name any more without feeling sick and he was also done with that topic, so he quickly interrupted him with asking who his next team mate will be to change the subject.

Daniel. Lando could have got worse. Later when Jon called him and asked him about how he felt about Carlos leaving the team, he winked off and said he didn’t want to talk about it. Also his parents were kind of worried about him and how the news will affect him, but also them he told he wasn’t willing to talk about it at all.

And like with Jon, he got also angry at his parents, even yelled at them to stop talking about it and hang up the call. Lando wanted to pretend like Carlos had never meant anything to him, even when he actually meant the world to him at the same time.

It helped that he was all alone in his house. He didn’t need to talk to anyone inside his safe four walls and he also didn’t have to worry that someone will see him breaking down into tears onto his stairs and crying out his eyes and heart because of the man he pretended he never had feelings for.

Later, when he tried to distract himself with playing some iRacing together with Max and the young Dutch asked him the same question as all the others before, Lando simply muttered into his microphone that he didn’t want to talk about it and to his surprise his friend didn’t mention that topic ever again.

Days of trying to forget Carlos and his feelings for him turned into weeks, even when Lando still couldn’t believe it that it wasn’t just a nightmare. The Spaniard didn’t try to contact him again, of course, because he simply couldn’t with Lando having blocked him everywhere.

The young Brit tried to pass the time with playing games, most of the time together with Max. They became closer during the process and even when they never talked about the Carlos-topic, Lando still felt better as long as they were playing and having fun together. But that still didn’t stop him from crying himself into sleep every evening.

When things got more into normal in May, Andreas informed Lando about a short meeting on next Monday, where also Carlos would still join them for one last time. Lando couldn’t find his peace since he knew about that meeting. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat, he couldn’t form a clear thought, because he was so nervous about seeing him again.

He thought he had done a pretty decent job to try to forget about him and tell his heart there weren’t any feelings left for him any more, but at the same time he was afraid that he would fall for Carlos instantly again with just seeing him.

Actually the younger one hadn’t planned to see him again for the next few months, in the hope to get over it, to get over him completely. But now he had to face him and he already exactly knew right then, that the Spaniard will try to talk to him. But Lando wasn’t ready for that, at least not now.

He will probably burst into tears the second he will hear his name coming from the older one lips, or he will yell at him in front of everyone, because the whole anger deep inside his body will take the upper hand over his control. Maybe he will get onto his knees and beg him to stay, even when he exactly knew that nothing could change the situation any more.

Carlos will probably ask him why he had blocked him everywhere and banned out of his life and Lando will have to tell him the truth then, about his feelings for him and the Spaniard will only laugh at him, because for him he was just a little boy, who once had been his team mate for a while.

But still, Lando had to go to that meeting, even when it caused him sleepless nights and panic attacks. They were all sitting in one big room, with plenty social distance between each other. Luckily, Carlos’ place was far away from his and also out of his sight, as long as he didn’t turn right.

The meeting was quickly over and in the second every one stood up and went over to where the Spaniard was to congrats him and wish him all the best for his future, because it was the last time he will be in this building, Lando took his chance to get away from here as fast as his feet could carry him.

He had almost made it to his car, when he heard the so familiar voice behind his back. “Lando!” Carlos tried to make him stop, but the young Brit didn’t even think about it. He only speeded up his steps to get to his car, before his ex-team mate could catch him. He wasn’t able to look him into the eyes, after he had broken his heart into a million little pieces.

Carlos had no right to talk to him. Lando just wanted to get away from here and protect himself from another anxiety. “Lando! Please, stop!” Carlos begged and even after not being able to hear his familiar Spanish accent for so long, it still caused the younger once heart to swell.

Tears were already streaming down his cheeks, when he finally reached his car and opened it with shaking hands. Before Lando could close the door and drove into the night, he could hear Carlos’ voice for one last time.

But the way his once so soft, calming voice did sound now, caused his body to shake even more, when he yelled all angrily into his direction “Fine! I can also play this damn game! They are right, you are really only a cowardly, little kid!”

Lando’s view was blurry, but he still managed it to steer his McLaren through the night and he could even save himself to the next parking lot, before he quickly got out of his car to throw up behind a tree. He knew he looked indeed like the little, cowardly and sulky kid like Carlos had called him, who didn’t granted his ex-team mate the whole attention, the chance of his life or anything at all. That was the most terrifying night of his life.

But things got better over the summer. The sadness after seeing Carlos again and the words he had shouted at him, turned into anger once again. And anger was better than sadness, at least Lando could better deal with that. He tried to forget his once best friend.

But still it didn’t stop him to stalk his Instagram profile at least five times every day and whenever he had posted something new, his heart skipped a beat. Lando knew he actually shouldn’t do that to recover completely, but he also just couldn’t help himself.

He also still looked at pics from him every night before he fell asleep with tears in his eyes and he probably already knew every available video on the whole internet from the Spaniard by heart.

Lando always noticed it instantly, when Carlos was back in the UK. He knew every spot of his flat, he could always tell where had taken the pic or video and the knowing that he was so close but still so far caused his heart to cramp.

What if he would simply drive over to his place and ring at his front door? Would Carlos let him inside or simply slam the door shot right in front of his nose? Lando was way too coward to find it out. Maybe Carlos had been right back then, he was just a coward, little kid.

One afternoon Lando had felt brave enough, not to get into his car and drive over to Carlos’ place and knock at his door, but brave enough to call him, because he knew he was just a few kilometres away from his home. He had needed hours, till he finally took his phone into his shaking hands and tip the number he had once deleted, but he still knew by heart and probably won’t ever forget even if he wanted to.

Even after thinking about it for so long, Lando still didn’t know if it had been a good idea to simply call his ex-team mate after such a long time and after what had happened between them. What should he say to him? Maybe he will get so nervous to not be able to bring out one word, when Carlos will pick up. Maybe he will yell at him once again and his phone call will make everything just even worse.

But before the young Brit got too scared and could hang up again, a female computer voice told him that the number he had called wasn’t longer assigned. Carlos had a new number and hadn’t even informed Lando about it. Of course, he hadn’t. How should he even?

The younger one had blocked him everywhere, even when the Spaniard would have wanted it, he still wouldn’t have been able to give him his new number. Also for what reason? Lando had promised himself to not ever talk to him again, so why would he need his number anyway then? But still he felt very sad about it, because obviously also Carlos didn’t want him in his life any more.

Because of his Instagram account, the young Brit found out that the Spaniard had already moved to Italy, even when he obviously still kept his flat back in London. And it also seemed like Carlos and Charles already came along pretty well. He found the young Monegasque more and more often in his ex-team mate’s latest posts.

Of course, they did spend a lot of time together with being in the same team now and also because they were living in the same small town and were probably neighbours, like they had been once. There were new pics or videos of them almost every day and even when Lando felt sick whenever he looked at their Instagram accounts, he still couldn’t take his eyes away and force himself to stop.

Lando and Charles had never been really close. He came along with him, but that was already everything, but still he felt endless jealous about him. He was now able to spend time with Carlos, to have fun with him, to get his whole attention and affection, everything he wished to have back so much. Charles probably didn’t even know how lucky he was.

But even when Lando had got his chance to talk to Carlos and spend some time with him finally again, he refused. McLaren gave a farewell party for him in the end of October, but Lando found some stupid excuse to not show up there. He also hadn’t even wished his ex-team mate a happy birthday, so he sure as hell won’t celebrate his move to Ferrari after his life wasn’t the same any more since that day.

Lando knew he looked like the coward he actually was and acted once again like a little offended kid, but he still didn’t show up there. It had probably been his last chance to clear and make some things good again, before the next season will start. So he actually shouldn’t be that surprised, when Carlos also didn’t wish him a happy birthday, but he still was.

Till Christmas and New Year it felt like a half eternity, but after the holidays there wasn’t so much time any more for Lando to think about Carlos. At least not twenty-four-hours every day. He had to concentrate on the new season, their new car, get used to his new team mate and also the testing.

But even during the whole stress, Carlos still found the time to post enough pics and videos to get Lando more and more jealous and once again angry with every day. Every new picture of Carlos and Charles in their stupid, pretty red race suits made Lando endless sad and also the media didn’t help.

They said the two Carlitos were the new dream team and the new bromance on the grid, like their relationship had never existed. And when Lando had heard Carlos calling Charles his cabrón for the first time, he broke down into tears, because once he had been called like that. He had been his _cabrón_.

But that was already a long time ago. Carlos had moved on, he seemed to have forgotten about his old team mate, he enjoyed his life as being a Ferrari driver and Lando should do the same. For his own health. He had already come along with Daniel even before they became team mates and also now.

They had fun together, it was just different fun like with Carlos. Yeah, he was still laughing and smiling a lot, but it wasn’t the same any more. Being around Carlos had always felt so great, so easy, so unconcerned. Lando had felt accepted, respected and protected, now he had to show Daniel who was McLaren’s number one driver.

All those McLaren videos and challenges felt suddenly so forced, because everyone expected Daniel and him to be the paddock clowns, to always be funny. Maybe it was fun for the one watching, but for Lando it wasn’t so much fun any more like with Carlos. It was different fun, fun he didn’t like that much any more. He had high expectations on Daniel, which the Aussie didn’t have fulfilled.

Carlos and Lando were so used to each other, it wouldn’t be the same any more with Daniel, the young Brit already knew that now. They won’t ever become that close, they won’t ever have what they had, they won’t ever be such a good team.

Daniel was older than Carlos, way older than Lando and so they hadn’t much in common, hadn’t much shared interests. They couldn’t talk for hours, play some FIFA in their hotel rooms or watch movies, because they were so different compared to each other. Daniel didn’t spend more time than necessary in Lando’s driver room, not like Carlos, he had literary lived in there as well. If he was serious, he couldn’t even remember to have seen Daniel inside there for once.

The older also really seemed to enjoy annoying his younger team mate. Sure, also Carlos had done so, but once again it was so much different compared to the Aussie. Daniel still really seemed to enjoy teasing Lando about his young look, especially his almost still not present facial hair.

Also his ex-team mate had done so, only with the little but very important difference, that Carlos had teased him in a very brotherly kind of way and he had stopped once to show him how to shave properly. That was the big difference between the two of them. Carlos had felt like family.

The Aussie also really wasn’t interested to do anything together with Lando, which didn’t stand in his contract. They never met private, also because Daniel hadn’t moved to London like Carlos had and because of all those reasons they never really became that close and once again Lando felt very lonely.

Daniel was only focused on himself and didn’t really watch out for Lando. Sure, he knew he should actually do the same, because they weren’t here to make friends or something like that, they were here because of their work, to give their best and win races, but still.

He missed Carlos’ attention when he had a bad day on the racetrack, but also for his private side so much. Also his worries about how he was feeling and what he did miss the most were his little touches. First Lando had felt pretty uncomfortable, maybe he had even hated it, whenever Carlos had touched him and hell, he had indeed touched him a lot.

It were only light, small touches, but they were all well-meant. It was the Spaniard’s way to show his affection to someone he did like, being a very touchy person. Now Lando felt left alone, there didn’t come such touches from Daniel and whenever he saw Carlos touching Charles like he had always done by him, he felt his heart sink inside his chest even deeper, because he knew then that the Monegasque meant already more than the Spaniard than he did now.

Only then Lando noticed how much he had actually enjoyed his closeness, his touches and his words. He did miss his friend more and more with every day, even when actually he should already prepare himself for the new season coming closer and closer.

Being excited was the wrong word for how he felt after not being able to drive a Formula One car for so long. He just couldn’t wait any more to race again and do what he did love to do with his whole heart.

Even with the knowing that he probably won’t get over Carlos, the young Brit still felt brave and strong enough to face him again. They probably won’t see each other that much anyway, but still. He felt ready after so many months not seeing him in person and Lando had really thought he was already over him.

But the whole strength got washed away on the Thursday of the first race week. The first time he had seen him again after so many lonely, longing months let his heart drop and he became all pale. He had to stop his steps to stare at Carlos, even when he was still so far away.

How often had he dreamed about this man in the last months? How often had he wished to turn back time and tell him the truth about the feelings towards him? Maybe things would have happened different, would have turned out differently. Maybe Carlos would have told him about his plans. Maybe he would have been in his arms at the moment.

Jon had got his state and asked all worried, if he wasn’t feeling good. Like always, Lando lied and only said it was the jet lag, before they went on their ways. From that moment on, he had seen the Spaniard already a few times over the day, but only from far away and Lando always tried to not cross his way. And he had also tried to not give him any attention and only focus on his job instead.

But after his job was done for today and he was currently on his way back to the hotel, Lando saw him coming right his way on the paddock. There was no chance to flee, no way out, also because the younger one knew Carlos had already spotted him. He could exactly feel his beautiful, brown eyes on him. A feeling he had once loved.

Lando tried his very best to avoid his eyes, he just wanted to pass him as quick as possible, before they will go on their different ways again, keep on ignoring each other and just when he had thought Carlos will ignore him like he tried to do, he could hear the Spaniard’s so familiar voice “Hey, Lando.”

After so many months of not hearing his charming accent and the way his own name rolled over those perfect shaped lips, Lando just couldn’t stop himself from looking up at him through his lashes, when he passed him by. Carlos smiled softly down at him, waiting for him to response his greeting.

Maybe even waiting for him to say something more, to ask how he was, so they could stop and talk for a minute. But the second their eyes met, Lando got weak. He had longed for those eyes over such a long time, he only dreamed about to have Carlos’ whole attention again and now that he got it all, he remembered about how much he had hurt him.

Some switch inside his head turned his whole feelings upside down and from one second to the other he was mad at his ex-team mate like on the very first day. Lando only glared at Carlos, almost disgusted, and when he passed him, he muttered scornfully “You look like shit in red.” Exactly knowing that the Spaniard could still hear him and he will hurt his feelings with his words.

But for Lando it was the truth. To see Carlos in his red Ferrari race suit looked so strange, so out of place for him. It didn’t fit to the Spaniard, Lando wasn’t used to it and he also didn’t know if he will ever get used to it. It made Carlos look like he wasn’t his Carlos any more, even when the Spaniard was never his in the first place. It made Lando realize and vivid once again that their time was over.

The second the words had rolled over his tongue, the anger was gone again and instead he felt like an idiot. Like the coward, little kid, Carlos had once called him. He hadn’t changed, hadn’t matured at all during the last months. He hadn’t learnt anything, the total contrary even.

Lando had tried to hold back his tears, bite down onto his under lip in an effort to suppress them following over the edge, but in the end he couldn’t hold himself together any more, when he ran through the hotel’s corridor with his hands covering his face, so no one could see his thick tears.

Because he had tried to get the fastest way to his room and also because his view was all blurry, he crashed into someone during the process. “I‘m sorry.” Lando tried to say and just wanted to keep going his way, when the person he had crashed into, took him by his upper arms and made him stay.

“Lando? What the hell happened?” It was Max, who had just stepped out of his room. “Max.” The young Brit whined in the second he realized into whom he had run into and slang his arms quickly around his neck. First the young Dutch was overwhelmed about the younger racer’s reaction, but then he managed to lead his friend back into his room, where they sat down on the edge of his bed.

“It’s okay. Try to calm down first.” Max comforted him, after Lando had tried to speak but failed pitifully. The older one tried to calm him down with taking him into his arms and rub over his back. Over the last months, Max had become a real friend for Lando, someone he could trust. It was also the first time for them to see each other again in person for over one year, but for his closeness at the moment, Lando was him endless thankful for.

It felt good to be in someone’s arms, being able to let himself fall and get hold for some moments, even when Max still didn’t know the reason about his many tears and he also still seemed a little tensed about their first closeness. “I’m an idiot, Max. I’m so fucking stupid.” Lando tried to say between deep sobs, while he still had his face buried into his Red Bull shirt.

“No, Lando. I’m sure you are not. But tell me, what has happened?” Max tried to calm him down, petting his head during the process and speaking as quiet and softly as he had never heard him before. “Carlos.” It was all the younger one managed to say, only speaking out loud his ex-team mate’s name did already hurt him enough.

“What the hell has he done?” Max wanted to know from him now, his voice didn’t sound that calm any more. More aggressive and angry about whatever the Spaniard might have done to his friend. “He has greeted me.” Lando quickly told him, before he could stand up, storm out of the room and yell at Carlos for only saying _hey_ to him.

“Greeted?! Okay, but.. I have thought you aren’t talking with each other any more?” Now Max did sound confused. “Yeah, that’s it actually.” The young Brit told him, already close to tears again. “So you are crying your eyes out because Carlos has greeted you?”

The Dutch lightly pulled away to look down at his friend and frown at him in confusion. “No. I’m crying because I’m a fucking coward. After so many months I still wasn’t able to just say a quick hello to him. Instead, I told him that he looks like shit in his red Ferrari race suit.”

Maybe Max wasn’t such a good friend, like Lando had thought he was, because he began to laugh out loud instantly. “It’s not funny, you idiot!” Lando told him offended, while he pulled away and tried to quickly whip his tears with his shaking fingers away and cross his arms in front of his chest after with a pout onto his lips. Because Max didn’t want to stop laughing at him, he hit him with the next best thing he could find, which was a pillow for the Dutch’s luck.

“Don’t you understand it? I’m in love with Carlos. I already loved him back when he was still my team mate and the last few months haven’t changed that. I still fucking love this idiot, even after everything and today I had the chance to make things good and maybe get closer to him again, but instead I have insulted him and now I’m crying because I’m the biggest idiot inthis world. And because Carlos hates me.”

Lando broke down into tears once again, after saying it out loud for the first time. He fell with his face first onto the bed and cried into his hands, still not believing himself that he had really done that to the man he actually loved the most. No one knew about his feelings towards the Spaniard and how he was feeling at the moment. It felt somehow good to finally have said it out loud and also, when he could feel Max laying down next to him, placing his hand onto his shaking back and finally pulling him closer.

Even when the older one had laughed at him just seconds ago, he was all gently and protective now. Max tried to shush him softly, stroked over his back in an effort to make him stop, because he still didn’t exactly know how to handle it when someone was crying and whispered close to his curls

“You aren’t an idiot, Lando. I know how you feel, because I’m the same. I also love someone and don’t know how to express my feelings for him.” His words caused the young Brit to look up at his friend with his big, glassy puppy eyes. He must have said something right, the Dutch thought to himself and was kind of proud about himself that he had really managed it to stop his friend from crying his eyes out. But now there was another problem, now he had to tell someone the truth for the first time.

“Really? You don’t only say that now to make me feel better?” Max shook his head sadly. “Who is it?” Lando wanted to know all curiously. The young Dutch sighted and looked away for some moments. It wasn’t easy for him to say it out loud, also no one did know his secret. Until now.

“Charles.” He finally whispered into the silence and first Lando thought his friend was making fun of him, but then their eyes met, and he saw the same broken soul behind it like Max saw in his eyes. “But, you are the biggest enemies.” The younger racer still said in shock more to himself than to his friend.

“You see my problem? I can only express my love to him with being nasty, unfair and condescending to him, simply like a big asshole. I know how you feel Lando and I can also understand that you are probably jealous about Charles, because I’m also jealous about Carlos. We are both idiots.”

Lando had stayed that night next to Max. They were talking a lot with finally being able to tell someone their feelings. That evening the young Brit had also seen his friend crying for the first time, but also not for the last time.

Their friendship got stronger and deeper. They were there for each other, whenever one of them had a bad day or did something stupid once again. Most of the time it was Max with doing something thoughtless, while Carlos ignored Lando completely, since he had told him that red didn’t suit him. And the younger one couldn’t even blame him for that.

It was good to know to not have to be alone any more with his feelings, but still Lando had to get through the day on his own. He had also found him a new tactic to get Carlos’ attention back. He wanted to make him jealous as well with his new team mate, like the Spaniard was obviously doing all the time with Charles. Maybe without even doing it on purpose, but Lando was more than just jealous by now.

Lando forced Daniel to make pics and videos with him he could post on Instagram almost every hour. Slowly but sure the Aussie got annoyed about it and asked his younger team mate snappy “Do you really think you can get Carlos back with making him jealous?”

First shocked, Lando looked up at Daniel, but then he could feel his cheeks heating up and he quickly tried to avoid his gaze and acted like he didn’t know about what he was talking about. “C’mon. Do you think I haven’t noticed the way you are glaring at him, whenever he is close enough, huh?”

“I’m not staring at Carlos and I also sure as hell don’t want anything from him.” Lando cleared, even when it was the biggest lie ever. And because he was never good at lying, his cheeks became even more colour and his voice did sound so high suddenly.

“Alright. If you say so. Then it probably won’t bother you, when I tell you that people say that Carlos and Charles are having a thing for each other.” Daniel told him with crossed arms and eyebrows up to his hairline, waiting expectant for his reaction.

Lando really had to try his very best to stay calm and didn’t give his stupid team mate something to make fun of him, even when deep inside his chest his heart had dropped and he felt ill. He forced himself to not lean over and throw up. The whole colour had gone from his face with that information from one second to the other.

But still he tried to sound as strong and secure as possible, even when he failed pitifully and lied once again, when he answered while trying to avoid the Aussie’s eyes “Yeah, you are right. It doesn’t bother me one bit what he is doing.”

“I see.” Daniel tried to suppress a laugh, while he eyed him closely with a tilted head and that stupid wide smile of his. “You are a dick.” Lando muttered, while he made his way past his team mate and tried to get away from here as fast as possible. He did hide himself inside the toilets, where he spent some tears he couldn’t stop to fall over the edge.

Why had Daniel to be such an asshole and tell him something like that before a race? Especially when he obviously knew how much Carlos really meant to him? He hated him so much for that.

Somehow Lando calmed down again. He told himself that it were probably only rumours, even when he had already noticed it himself how close the two Ferrari drivers had become. But as long as he didn’t see it with his own eyes, he didn’t want to believe it.

Carlos also spent much time with Fernando, since he was back in F1, but no one said that they were having a thing with each other, so Lando calmed down with telling himself that it really only have to be rumours then.

But he still didn’t tell Max about it, even when usually he told him everything when it came to Carlos. But this time it would be different, it would also include Charles and so Max as well. He didn’t want to make him feel upset as well or maybe also angry, before he didn’t know one hundred percent if it was true or not.

So Lando kept it to himself, even when he couldn’t stop thinking about it for one minute. He watched the two Ferrari drivers even closer the following days, but he really didn’t know what to think about those rumours. He couldn’t just go up to Carlos and simply ask. Actually it wasn’t none of his business anyway.

But still, Lando wasn’t feeling great since Daniel had told him so and it made everything even worse that he couldn’t talk with Max about it. All he could do was crying himself into sleep, after thinking about Carlos and his maybe boyfriend for hours.

Three weeks later the Spaniard won his first race in Formula One. To see him celebrate on the very top podium, next to Charles and Lewis, caused Lando’s heart to arch. He was feeling kind of happy for his ex-team mate, but at the same time he wished to be up there with him, still being in the same team. Being able to spray champagne into his face and hug him, like Charles did right now. Like Carlos had once promised them to end up. On the podium, together.

Lando had thought about it for a while, he had a fought with himself, but finally he had decided to jump over his shadow and congratulate his once best friend. He should really stop being so salty and move on. They probably won’t ever become such close friends again, like they had been before, but they could still become closer again. It actually would be already enough for Lando, if Carlos would greet him and share some random words from time to time about unimportant things, because he couldn’t go on like that any more.

So the young Brit had stayed a little longer after the race, exactly knowing that Ferrari did as well after their double win. With much willpower and the decision to really do that and be nice for at least once after everything, Lando had gone into the direction of the Ferrari motor home to knock at their front door.

But he didn’t even come that far, when he spotted something between the trucks. He had almost walked past them, but from the corner of his eyes he had seen their red driver suits disappearing around a corner. Lando frowned, maybe he had just imagine it, but still he had to check and followed the two figures.

It would have been better for his own sake, if he wouldn’t have done it, if he would have just turned around and leave into the opposite direction to get to his hotel room and forget about this stupid idea. Because what Lando did found around one of the corners, caused his heart to stop beating completely.

Carlos pressed Charles against one of the trucks, kissing him all hungrily and full of desire. He supported himself with one hand next to the Monegasque's head, while his other was very deep inside the younger once race suit, working him quickly.

Even from where Lando was hiding himself a few corners away, he could see their tongues battle with each other, battle for dominance, the satisfied smile they both had on their lips and he could also hear their deep, needy moans.

When Charles then got onto his knees right in front of the Spaniard, opened his team mate’s already to his waist lowered race suit even more, the big grin on Carlos’ lips got even wider. The younger one then did what he was famous for, he winked up at the older one that cheeky and at the same time also so sexy way. Charles, with his damn giggles, his sexy winks and cute dimple.

Carlos chuckled, before he let his head fall back between his shoulder plates, already exactly knowing what will happen next. Charles rewarded his team mate for his performance on the racetrack today with sucking him deep inside his mouth. The Spaniard grunted from deep inside his throat, before he pulled at the Monegasques hair, held his head in place and began to fuck his mouth quickly. 

“Fuck, yes.” Carlos moaned by the pleasure, before fucking Charles mouth even deeper, causing the younger one so to choke. But still his team mate smiled up at him, obviously enjoying the feeling of his dick deep inside his mouth. Carlos smiled down at him as well, while biting down onto his lower lip. “Your mouth feels so fucking good.” The Spaniard praised him and before he could reach his climax, Lando had to get away from here. He had already seen enough anyway.

As fast as his legs could carry him, he ran back to his own empty driver room, where he first cried his eyes out for the next hour. Somehow he had managed it to drag himself back to the hotel, where he instantly made his way straight to Max’s room.

The Dutch pulled him into his arms the second he had opened the door for him and saw those thick tears still rolling down his already sore, reddened face. “Come here.” The older one leaded them over to the edge of his bed, where he let himself sink onto and pulled the McLaren driver onto his lap.

“What has happened?” Max asked after a while, when he thought Lando’s sobs weren’t that deep and heart-breaking any more. “Carlos.” He whined, of course the Spaniard was the reason for those tears once again. “Daniel was right.” Lando added and only when his friend asked him about what he was right, he got it that now it was on him to tell Max the news and also broke his heart with that as well.

The young racer pulled away just enough to look the Dutch into the eyes, when he tried to explain him between deep sobs “A few weeks ago Daniel got annoyed about me and told me that there were rumours about Carlos and Charles. You know.” Max nodded his head in understanding, but still he didn’t like where this conversation was going. He already expected the next, but still he didn’t want to believe it, when Lando went on in his arms.

“I first didn’t want to believe it and I also couldn’t bring it over my heart to tell you about it. I have really thought it were only rumours but then.. I have seen them together today. I was on my way to congratulate Carlos for his win, when I caught them between some trucks. They were making out, Carlos had his hand inside Charles race suit and then.. then Charles got onto his knees and..”

Lando was crying fully again and his deep sobs made it impossible for him to go on, but Max still understood what he tried to say anyway. “I’m sorry.” The young Brit told his friend sincerely, because not only his own world, but also Max broke down with that.

“Don’t be.” The older one stayed calm, even brushed a curl out of his friend’s face all carefully, even with a small but still pain destroyed smile on his lips to Lando’s surprise. “We are sitting in the same boat. We are just two idiots, who are hell over heels in love with the men we can’t have. That’s all.” Max tried to smile down at him again, but failed pitifully this time, when a single tear also found its way over the edge of his eyes.

Lando wrapped his arms around his friend’s neck and the two of them cried their eyes out that evening. Before, there had at least been a tiny chance to get the one they loved, but now this chance was completely gone and they were left alone. Life was unfair and they could both only blame themselves for the whole mess.

On a Saturday afternoon after a race, Lando could exactly feel how tensed Max was, even when he didn’t tell him so or maybe because he hadn’t shared one word with him, since they had met for leaving to their hotel. Max had been leading, until Charles’ and his car had touched, Max had spun, had lost so his first place and so also the chance to win.

He ended the race on place six, so it was a lost game for the Dutch, while his rival ended up at place four. Lando already knew his friend good enough to know, that he wanted to get back to his hotel room as fast as possible and won’t come out there any more till they will leave tomorrow. He didn’t want to talk to anybody nor see anybody, also not Lando. So he kept quiet and walked a few steps between them next to him in silence.

But the very last person Max had wanted to see at the moment called after him in the next moment. The second Lando got it to whom the voice did belong, which had called the Red Bull driver’s name, he flinched together and prayed to God for Charles to get away from here as fast as possible.

But even after Max had turned around and the Monegasque must have seen his expression, it still didn’t stop him to come closer and the worst, he tried to apologize. „Max, I.. I just want to tell you how sorry I am. It really wasn’t my intention, I didn’t do it on purpose. I’m really..“

But Charles got interrupted, when Max let his bag fall onto the ground and came with big, heavy steps closer to where the Ferrari driver was standing. „Shut your stupid, fucking mouth, you asshole.“ The Dutch muttered between clenched teeth, while he came dangerously closer and closer.

His eyes were glistening in anger, his hands formed into tight fists and actually already his eyes should have been warning enough, but still Charles tried to apologize once more with surrendering hands, which brought the already simmering anger inside Max’s body to boil over.

He pressed his palms painfully against the Monegasque’s chest, so the air got pressed out of his lungs and Charles backed away. „Max!“ Lando called his friend’s name warningly. But the Dutch didn’t stop, he hit his rival again and again, calling him the worst names and what a brainless idiot he was.

He pushed Charles backwards, till his back hit the next wall and he was trapped. The Ferrari driver tried to protect himself and didn’t even dare to speak again, while Max gripped for his collar and shook him harshly.

„Max, stop!“ Lando pleaded and tried to drag his friend away, to beware him from even more problems and things he actually didn’t want and he will regret later. But Max only shoved Lando harshly away, before it was already too late. The Dutch was in rage, nothing nor no one could stop him any more. He saw red.

Lando gasped and could only watch the happening with widened eyes, not being able to realize just yet what Max had done, when he had slapped his palm hard into Charles‘ face. The sound did hang in the air, before Max started with his insults from new, gripped for the Monegasque’s shirt once more even tighter and just wanted to draw back for another slap, when Carlos stood between the two rivals suddenly.

„What the hell are you doing here?“ The Spaniard asked with a strong but not less shocked voice, while he pushed Max away to get some distance between him and Charles. Lando almost fell to the ground in Carlos‘ effort to get them apart and Max crashed against the young Brit.

Lando reached out for his friend, the second Max had wanted to start to get closer to the two Ferrari drivers and get up against Carlos, who will defend himself definitely more than Charles. The Spaniard tried to protect his younger team mate with one hand, while Charles did hide behind his back.

„Are you crazy, Max? You can’t do something like that again, haven’t you learnt anything from the last time? And haven’t you even listened to Charles? He didn’t do it on purpose, he has apologized. You can get yourself really into trouble here. They could even ban you. Are you really that dumb?“ Carlos asked all angrily himself now, Lando had never heard his voice like that and if he was serious, he was scared about the Spaniard for the first time since he knew him.

„I don’t give a damn. This fucking asshole has ruined my race. I would have won, if it wouldn’t have been on him. He is a disaster, useless, irresponsible. They should ban him for being that brainless.“ Max did response, between clenched teeth, while Lando had much trouble to hold him back.

The Dutch almost made it to free himself from his grip, before Lando pulled him back again at the last second. „I warn you, if you will ever come close to Charles again I will beat your ass.“ Carlos warned the younger one, while pointing at him and looking as mad as never before. He meant it serious and Max exactly knew that maybe Charles wouldn’t fight back, but against Carlos he didn’t have the best chances to win.

The good sense finally won the fight, when Max backed away, while still looking with an in anger reddened face and gritting teeth at the older one. While he tried to get a look at his rival, still hiding behind the Spaniard’s back, he muttered seriously „Keep yourself away from me, asshole. On track and also anywhere else.“

Charles didn’t even dare to get a look at Max, instead he held onto Carlos‘ arm, had pressed his eyes closed and cried quietly to himself. Max muttered something in Dutch no one did understand, before he finally freed himself from Lando’s grip, picked up his bag from the ground and got away as fast as possible.

Not knowing what to do, Lando watched his friend disappearing for some moments, before he dared to look at the two Ferrari drivers. Carlos had pulled crying Charles into his arms and whispered something in Italian down to him, which Lando couldn’t understand once again.

Charles sobbed into his team mate’s shirt, while he clutched onto him and his whole body was shaking. The Spaniard rubbed his back and tried to comfort him. He even kissed the top of his head and stroked carefully his cheek, which Max had slapped so hard before in an effort to calm Charles down. Lando had to look away from them at that moment, it did hurt too much. He followed the direction into which Max had disappeared, but before he got around the corner, he looked back over his shoulder at them once again.

Carlos narrowed his eyes at him, he even glared at him, something he had never done before. He wanted to protect Charles with any cost, even when it really wasn’t Lando’s fault at all. But Max was his friend and for Carlos the young Brit was guilty as well, because he was on the Dutch’s side.

Goose bumps broke free over his skin, while Carlos stared at him like that. Never before he had seen him that mad and especially not that mad towards him. Lando had always been the one, who was angry at Carlos the last year, it was never the other way around.

But now it was and he finally got to know how the Spaniard must have felt the last months. It was a horrible feeling to know the person he loved and cared about the most, was so disappointed in him. It was awful. Lando tried to get away from here as quick as possible, before those tears waving inside his eyes could fall over the edge.

Lando speeded up his steps, till he caught Max by the entrance of their hotel. He followed him upstairs and didn’t even think about the consequences, when he also followed him into his hotel room.

„Can you please explain to me, what this should have been?“ The younger one wanted to know in the second he had closed the door behind himself. Lando could exactly tell that his friend was still angry to his bones and like Charles he should better stop talking and try to get away from him as fast as possible, but Max was his friend and he hated to see him like that and especially to see the way he treated the man he actually loved with his whole heart. He screwed up everything on his own once again and it did hurt to have to watch it.

“Go away, Lando.” Max warned, exactly saying what Lando’s instinct tried to tell him so badly, but at the same time they also told him to stay and look after his friend. “Why did you do that? Carlos is right, if someone has seen that they could ban you, not only for a race maybe also for the rest of the season. If not even worse.” Lando tried to make him realize, to open him his eyes, but in the end it made the young Dutch only even angrier.

“Piss off!” He shouted at him with a already from anger reddened head once again and his hands into tight fists. “No, I won’t go anyway. I want you to stop being this way to Charles. Maybe you could have a chance by him if you wouldn’t be that disgusting way to him all the time.”

“Oh, shut your damn mouth! Like you are one bit better than me!” Max yelled at him from the volume of his lungs and whenever someone did so tears began to build up in his eyes instantly. “At least I don’t hurt Carlos physically.” Lando backfired, while he tried to swallow down his tears.

“You are only angry at me and piss me off, because your great, perfect Carlos is mad at you, because you are on my side! Do you think I haven’t noticed it? Do you think I haven’t seen the way you have looked at him and how he has looked at you? Your damn Carlos always tries to wrap you around his little finger, so he will get what he wants, he did so all the time, even when you were still team mates! He has used you all the time and you were too dumb to even notice it!”

Max’s words were still hanging in the air, the walls echoed them, before he pointed with his finger at him. He even bored his index finger deep inside his chest, where his heart was falling apart at the moment. “You, it’s actually _you_ , who never ever had a chance and won’t ever have! You never meant anything to Carlos.”

By now tears were running down Lando’s cheeks. His friend’s words did hurt, even when he exactly knew they were true, but still. Hearing them from Max caused his throat to get so tight from one second to the other that he had trouble to breathe properly and his belly began to knot and cramp, he felt sick.

“And you.” Lando tried to sound strong and determined, even when his voice was shaking and very thin. “You are disgusting, especially to the one you actually love the most but you are too afraid about to tell so. Why don’t you let anyone close to you? Not everyone wants to harm you and I bet Charles would have been one of them, he would have been good to you, but you have shrugged him away in the most horrible way. Maybe I never had a chance, but you had. At least you had one before.”

“You should shut up!” Max hissed between clenched teeth, the anger deep inside his body was shortly before bowling over and it finally did, when Lando dared to add “But now it’s also over for you.” Before the young Brit could even react to it, Max had shoved him harshly away so the air got pressed out of his lungs and he fell rough onto the floor.

Lando needed some moments to recover, while he touched his hurting wrist and new, thicker tears fall over the edge of his eyes. But when he heard Max pounding his fists against the wall, he quickly got onto his feet again and hurried over to him, exactly knowing into which danger he brought both of them with it.

Without any forewarning, the younger one wrapped his arms around his friend’s belly in an effort to make him stop. He didn’t do anything else, he just wrapped his arms firmly around his belly and held him, nothing more. Max punched a few more times against the wall, until his hits became less aggressive and he finally stopped completely.

Lando was quietly crying against the Dutch’s shoulder blade, he would lie if he would say he wasn’t afraid about his reaction to this, but he was still more concerned about what Max will do to himself, if he would leave him alone now.

Finally, the room got silent and Lando felt how the older one gave up, how his body became weak suddenly and when his legs couldn’t carry him any more, they both slipped down to the floor. During the whole process, Lando still hadn’t stopped holding onto Max, who finally also began to cry to himself as well.

So here they were. Both crying on some hotel carpet, once again about the men they actually loved more than their own lives but at the same time they treated like they were crap. Max finally wrapped his arms around Lando, pulled him between his legs and cradled him softly, because it was his fault he was crying so bitterly.

“I’m sorry, Lando. I’m so so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. Of course, you always had a chance by Carlos. You still have, in contrast to me. You aren’t such a monster like I am. Please, forgive me, Lando.” The young Dutch cried into his friend’s hair, begging him for forgiveness.

“You really aren’t a monster, Max. You are just in love. You don’t have to apologized, because I have also said things to you, I shouldn’t have. I know you try to be the best version of yourself all the time and I’m also aware about that you didn’t always have it easy in your life, especially with your father. But it’s your way to express your feelings for someone, I know it. I just want you to be happy. You deserve it.”

Lando whispered, while he held onto Max’s shirt and buried his face into his neck. “It’s not an excuse, Lando. I should be better than my dad, but I’m exactly like he is. Not one bit better. He treats the one he loves like crap. I should have learnt from his mistakes, but I haven’t. I don’t deserve Charles, nor do I deserve happiness. And I also don’t deserve you as my friend. I should better be left alone, so I can’t hurt anyone I care about.”

“I won’t leave your side.” It was all Lando answered, before he wrapped his arms around his neck and new waves of tears washed over Max. They stayed there on the floor for the next hour, crying and holding onto each other, until the older one stood up to bring them both to bed for the night.

For the next weeks Max tried to keep his distance between Charles and himself. He had promised himself to not ever hurt the Monegasque for one more time in his life and bring so him but also himself in danger. And he also promised himself to not ever hurt Lando in any way. He was his best friend, only he did understand his feelings, only he was still by his side after all.

Of course, Max regretted it deeply what had happened, but also Charles tried to keep the distance between the two of them. Sure he did after what had happened and after Max had yelled at him to do so and also because Carlos was constantly by his side and made sure the Dutch didn’t come too close to him any more. Also, when they were at the after race party a few weeks later.

Max and Lando had got there together and while the older one drank one beer after the other, the Brit only sat next to him on the bar and eyed him worriedly. He exactly knew how damn sorry his friend was about everything that had happened between Charles and him, but also between the two of them. He had never wanted to hurt one of them.

Both were watching the men they loved from the corner of their eyes, while Charles and Carlos seemed to have a good time, dancing and laughing on the dance floor together. At some point Max had switched from beer to something stronger and even when Lando was concerned about the impact the alcohol will have on his friend, he only tried to stop him once, because he knew he only tried to drink his sorrows away. Something he should maybe also try one day, but not tonight. At least one of them needed to keep a clear head.

They watched the Ferrari couple the whole night long, till Charles and Carlos disappeared out of their view, and they both exactly knew what they will probably do in their hotel room now. Max then gave his whole attention to the drink in front of him, swallowed it down in one go, before he ordered himself the next.

It went on like that for the next hour, till Lando went to the toilet and came back to an empty bar stool, where he had actually left his friend. Already all worried, he searched the club for his friend, but Max was nowhere to be seen. So he hurried outside to look there for him as well, he needed to find him. Lando called his name into the night, but of course he didn’t get an answer.

Hundreds of thoughts were running through his head. Where was Max? Why had he left? Maybe he had got into trouble with someone? Maybe he wanted to hurt himself? What if something had already happened to him?

His lungs did already burn from running through the empty, dark streets, till he finally found Max sitting in the middle of train tracks to his horror. But at least he had found him before it was too late.

“Max! What are you doing? We have to get away from here.” Lando told him all desperately and breathless, while he looked from his right to his left to make sure no train was already coming their way. He tried to help Max up, but his friend didn’t want to.

“Let me. I don’t want any more. I only want Charles and I can’t have him. Let me die here.” He mumbled all drunk, he couldn’t even properly look at his friend any more. “I sure as hell won’t let you die here. And now c’mon.” Lando insisted and tried once again to bring Max onto his feet.

But even when he was that drank, he could still fight back and kept sitting right where he was. “Max, please. I beg you. There will always be a way for everything. It will be good, you will see. And now please, stand up and come with me back.” The young Brit tried to talk some sense into his friend, but he only shook his head in response and didn’t move.

“I can’t let you die here, I just can’t watch you dying right in front of my eyes.” Lando cried, before he sat down next to him. “I told you I won’t leave you. Either you will come with me or we will both die here.” The young Brit meant every word, he would have held Max’s hand till the next train would come and end their lives, but his statement had the exact impact he had hoped for.

Max wasn’t such an egoist like he had always thought he was, because if so he wouldn’t have stood up to save so Lando’s life and also his own. He was indeed able to feel love and also show love for the one he cared about the most.

Lando tried to help Max to stand up, he took the Dutch’s arm and laid it around his shoulders to steady him, but it was pitch dark outside here and Max stumbled over one of the tracks in his drunkenness and caused them both fall back onto the hard, cold ground.

The younger one did hurt his ankle during the process and hissed out in pain. But the pain was instantly forgotten, when he saw those lights directly pointed into the direction they were laying.

“God, no.” Lando whined desperately, even when he still couldn’t believe what he did see. He was wrong, he wasn’t ready to die and also Max wasn’t. “Max! Please, you have to stand up! Right now! The train!” Lando yelled at his friend and tried to pull him back onto his feet, but it had no sense any more.

Max was too drunk to notice anything any more, he was also too heavy for Lando to carry him down from the tracks, but he also didn’t want to see his friend dying in front of his eyes. So Lando gave up, fell back onto the tracks, took Max’s hand into and crawled closer to him.

First he watched those lights coming closer and closer to them, till his view got too blurry because of those tears of fear waving in his eyes and he also got too scared about dying, that he pressed closed his eyes and waited for the train to hit them and end their lives.

He held onto Max with his whole strength, while he could hear the train coming closer. His life will only last for some more moments, Lando was aware of that and shortly before the train got them, he could hear someone calling his name. Instantly he got it to whom this voice did belong.

Carlos.

Of course, it would be his voice he would hear before dying. To hear his voice for one last time, before everything will be over.

Lando screamed from the volume of his lungs, when the train finally hit them. He felt the ice-cold iron hitting first his arm, then his chest and belly. During the process he got separated from Max, he wasn’t holding his hand any more, he didn’t know where he was.

Actually Lando had thought it would be over after one or two seconds, but he was still alive, cried, screamed and he could even hear the train, he could feel the puff of air from when it rolled over his lifeless body. But he couldn’t feel any pain, about which he was actual very grateful, even when he didn’t know why that was.

And then Lando could hear it again, he could hear him again. Carlos, he was calling his name. Over and over again. His voice did sound so much closer than the noises of the trail and instead of any pain, he could only feel something pulling onto his arms. It were hands, lightly shaking him.

“Lando. Lando, open your eyes. Please.” Carlos’ voice did sound so worried and even when the younger one was so scared about dying and what he will see when he will open his eyes, maybe Max’s dead body lying next to him, he still did, because he trusted Carlos. And what he finally saw after he had really opened his eyes shocked him even more than all the things he had expected to see.

It was Carlos. He was kneeling right in front of him and eyed him with so much concern and worry he had never seen in his eyes before. But why was he here? Was he also dead? Lando didn’t want Carlos to be dead as well. His own death and the one from Max was already enough, why did he have to have the same destiny as them?

“It’s okay. Shshsh.. it’s okay. Everything is good, Lando. You are safe.” The Spaniard tried to calm him down, while rubbing his palms over his arms, but the fact that Lando could see Carlos, hear him and even feel him here wherever in the sky they were, caused him to panic.

“Why are you here? Why are you also dead?” He cried out between deep sobs, he still couldn’t believe to meet him right after he had died. “Lando, I’m not dead. So aren’t you.” Carlos tried to explain slowly, before he cupped his face tightly, so he had to look right into his so familiar, dark eyes, even when he hadn’t been able to look right into them since such a long time.

With a secure, calming voice, the Spaniard tried to tell him “You aren’t dead, Lando. I have found the two of you just in time.” The young racer eyed Carlos’ face all closely to find out if he meant it all really serious or if the pain from when the train had hit him caused him to hallucinate. He finally came to the decision that he could trust and so also believe the Spaniard, before he asked with a shaking voice “Where is Max?”

“He is right here and all safe as well.” Carlos tried to calm him down, when he pointed right next to them, where the Dutch was laying in the grass like nothing had happened and slept. “You can believe me, Lando. You are both safe.”

And then Lando did. He did finally believe Carlos fully every word he had just said, when all those emotions of fear, the angst of dying left his body and he fell forward into the Spaniard’s arms. Carlos caught him easily and pulled him closer against his chest, while the younger one wrapped his arms around his neck and cried out all the fear he had inside his small, shaking body.

“It’s okay, Lando. You are safe, nothing can harm you any more. I have got you.” Carlos whispered into his ear, while he held him close and stroked over his trembling back. Maybe Lando was only imagined it, but at one point it had felt like the older one lips were kissing the top of his head, while he had his hand buried inside his curls.

Soothingly Carlos tried to shush him, while he held his still shaking body against his chest and let him cry out all his anxieties. Lando still didn’t know how he had found them or how he had made it to get them away from the tracks, but somehow Carlos had made it, he had kept them safe. “I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to die. I was so scared.” The young Brit sniffed and sobbed between every word, but the Spaniard still understood his explanation and what he had tried to say.

“I know, I have seen it. I have seen it all. But you don’t have to be scared any more. It’s over. Try to calm down, Lando, breathe properly.” When Carlos sat down onto the grass, he took Lando with him as well and pulled him onto his lap where he could cry till his body wasn’t shaking that much any more and he finally understood it fully, that nothing could harm him as long as Carlos was close to him.

The Spaniard stroked through his hair the whole time long to soothe him, he cradled him softly and even when his tears had become less and his sobs weren’t that deep any more, he still held him close and didn’t let go.

Max didn’t seem to have noticed anything, also not that they would have been dead, if Carlos wouldn’t have been. He was snoring next to them on the grass and for the first time in his life Lando had the urge to slap and hug someone at the same time. Slap Max for being so stupid and get both of them almost killed, but he also wanted to give him a hug, because currently he was wrapped in Carlos’ arms and even when he was so scared before, he was so happy and grateful now.

Lando tried to keep these precious moments in for the rest of his life, he tried to enjoy every second of the closeness, because he knew he won’t ever feel that safe ever again. Lando wanted to soak up everything, Carlos’ near, his warmth, his scent, his touches, his calming words, just everything.

They were sitting like that in the middle of the night already a half eternity, till Carlos carefully began to lose their embrace and even when the younger one had known that they couldn’t have sat like that for the rest of his life, he had still wished for it.

“Are you already feeling a little better?” The older one wanted to know, while he eyed him all closely. When Lando nodded his head, he rubbed over his arm to encourage him. “Do you think you are able to get back to the hotel?” Once again Lando nodded his head, even when he knew what that meant and it already broke his heart even before Carlos let go of him to get onto his feet.

Carlos offered him his hand, which the McLaren driver took with pleasure, because he was still feeling a little weak. “Alright. Then let us get this drunken something into bed.” Carlos said more to himself than to Lando and surely not to Max, who couldn’t hear him anyway.

The Spaniard rolled the Dutch onto his back, before he pulled on his arms so he was finally sitting. “Max? Can you hear me?” Carlos said with a louder voice, after he had kneeled down in front of him. “Hey, Max.” He tried once more, after he had lightly slapped his face to get him awake.

“Carlos? What are you doing here?” The younger one finally asked with his drunken brain, before Carlos tried to get him onto his feet. Lando rushed over to help the Spaniard, till Max was more or less standing on his own feet. “Saving your ass. Again.” Carlos finally answered the Dutch, even when he seemed to be dazed once again and probably couldn’t even hear him any more.

In silence, they went through the night back to their hotel. Carlos had asked Lando every few minutes if he could still carry on or if his ankle did hurt too much. He would carry Max on his own, if it should be necessary, but after everything the Spaniard had already done for him tonight, it was the at least thing he could do. Lando bit down onto his lip, because he really wanted to help to carry Max back to their hotel room.

When they have finally entered Lando’s room, they let Max slip down onto the bed and only when the young Brit had wanted to breathe through again and sit down on the small couch after the whole excitement, Max began to cough and choke. Before Lando could even react to it, Carlos had already picked him up and quickly got him into the bathroom where he did throw up in the toilet.

While Max did so, Carlos kneed next to him to hold his head and Lando leaned all exhausted against the door frame, feeling suddenly ill as well. Even when the Spaniard was all busy with making sure that Max did hit the toilet and not the floor next to it, he still managed to notice how pale Lando suddenly became.

“Get out of here, Lando. Don’t look at him. Sit down and try to calm down.” He ordered well-meant, which Lando finally did, before he had the need to throw up himself. A few minutes later, Carlos came out of the bathroom with Max, who was only dressed in his boxers any more, after he had probably thrown up onto his clothes as well. Together with Lando’s help they managed to finally take him into bed.

“Are you okay?” The older one asked his ex-team mate still all concerned, while Lando took place next to Max and stroked some hair strains out of his face. “Yeah, I think I am.” Silence washed over them, while they were both watching Max closely. But the Dutch seemed to be way too exhausted to bring himself into any more trouble tonight, he will probably sleep through the whole rest of the night and probably also the whole next day.

Exhausted and tired Lando watched how Carlos got him something to drink and when offered him the glass of water, he said and his voice did sound like it didn’t accept a no “Here, drink that. You will feel better after.” The younger one did like he got told and before he could even realize it the Spaniard had placed a blanket around his shoulders and wrapped his still lightly shaking and freezing body into it.

Carlos sat down next to Lando and Max onto the bed, eyed the Dutch closely all concerned, while he touched his leg. “Do you want me to tell why Max has tried to kill himself?” He finally asked that question Lando already knew would come at one point.

“It’s a long story.” The younger one answered short, too sleepy and exhausted to tell him the whole story and also too scared to tell his ex-team mate that Max had very deep feelings for his boyfriend.

Still, Carlos nodded understanding his head, even when he would have liked to know the reason, so he would have been able to understand Max and his actions. “Does he need help?” The Spaniard asked worriedly, even after everything Max was still his friend. He was still his first team mate in F1 and even when they didn’t have the deepest relationship, the Dutch still meant enough for him to call him his friend.

“I don’t think so. He probably won’t remember about it anyway tomorrow. He has drunk way too much tonight. I shouldn’t have let that happen and leave him alone.” Lando explained, he felt guilty for that Max got himself that drunk and he wasn’t always next to his side.

“It’s not your fault at all, Lando. Not everyone would have sat himself next to Max on those trails. You can’t blame that on you. I’m still glad I have found you just in time, before..” Carlos trailed off, too scared about to just say those words out loud.

Instead, they got both silent and eyed Max already fast asleep next to them for the next minutes. “You should also lay down and try to rest.” Carlos suggested well-meant, after he had also watched Lando and how exhausted and washed out his body seemed to be after everything.

“You think you are good on your own now?” Carlos added carefully, almost like he didn’t even want to ask so. Also Lando didn’t want him to go after what had happened tonight, he didn’t ever want him to go, but still he nodded his head.

“Alright. If anything should be, my room number is 417.” The Spaniard told him, before he carefully stood up and went over to the door. “Carlos.” Lando stopped him, before he could grip for the door handle and slip out of his room.

“Thank you.” He simply said, even when he had wanted to tell him so much more. “Don’t worry. Nothing to thank for.” Carlos secured him, before he really opened the door and got outside onto the corridor.

“Carlos.” Lando called his name once again, but it was already too late. The door was closed and the Spaniard was gone. “Please. Don’t go.” The younger one added with a thin, shaking voice and already tears glistening in his eyes, even when Carlos couldn’t hear him any more.

Lando didn’t want to be alone right now, he wanted to be in his arms again, to get hold, to feel his breath against his hair, to hear him whisper that everything will be good again into his ear. He also still had so many questions like how he had found them in the middle of nowhere on the trails.

But Carlos was gone and even when he was so just a few moments, Lando still needed to suppress the need to call his room and ask him to stay the night and secure him that everything will be good again.

Instead, he crawled under the duvet right next to Max, wrapped his arms around his left arm and held onto him all tightly, while he cried quietly to himself. They had both almost died tonight.

Max was half dead the next day. He couldn’t remember about anything, about which Lando was pretty grateful. So he didn’t tell him anything about that he had tried to kill himself and he also kept it to himself that Carlos had saved their lives, had brought them into the hotel and that he was by his side when he had thrown up in the bathroom. Lando kept it all to himself, it was better this way.

Even when that night had been the worst of his life so far, it had also something positive. Because whenever Carlos was around Lando now, it didn’t feel that awkward any more. Like the shared memories had changed something between them, even when Lando couldn’t name it yet. Like the shared memories connected them somehow.

He also somehow had the feeling that the Spaniard had kept the happenings of that night to himself and hadn’t told anyone about it, also not Charles. Once again Lando was very grateful about that, because he knew Max won’t ever try to do something like that again, he will make sure about that. His friend only was like that when he had drunken way too much over his thirst. Lando didn’t want that anyone will hear about it, it could ruin so much.

A few days later Carlos had greeted Lando in the paddock and for the first time since over one year, Lando greeted him back without insulting him or something like that. It was a simple, quick hello, but Lando felt better by it than he hadn’t since such a long time.

Lando was aware about that it won’t ever be like it was before between the two of them, but it was a small step into the right direction. Maybe one day they could forget about it, at least for some minutes when they could talk to each other like the two professional, mature race drivers they should actually be.

Maybe one day they will even able to laugh about it, even when Lando didn’t believe that. But at least they weren’t fighting any more and could pass each other without hurting the other with their words or actions. Maybe one day they could become some kind of friends again. Who knew? But even when no one knew that yet, Lando was still very relieved about the current situation.

It was already so much better than before and Lando even offered Carlos a small smile, when the Spaniard had jogged over to catch the elevator against which walls he was currently leaning to still get inside there as well. He had also smiled at Lando in return and greeted him with a small hey, while the younger one took his headphones away and greeted him as well.

They both got silent when the doors closed and the elevator set in motion and Lando only dared to look at Carlos from the corner of his eyes, asking himself if he should say something to him or not. Maybe they could start a conversation or at least some small talk, so they didn’t have to stand in that awkward silence next to each other.

But before Lando could even decide, the whole elevator was shaking and stopped to move from one second to the other..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, you have made it to the end 😉 congrats! And I'm still sorry for the very long chapter..
> 
> But let me know what you think? I'm so curious about your thoughts and feelings! 😍
> 
> And I really hope you still enjoyed my "little" first chapter 🤭


	2. Chapter 2

Carlos just came back from taking a shower after his exhausting training, when he saw all those missed calls, messages and social media notifies on his phone screen. Confused about what was going on, because the last time he had looked at his phone wasn’t even one hour ago and what world changing could have happened on this actual pretty boring Wednesday, Carlos opened the first message on the very top.

It was from one of his childhood friends, who congratulated him all heartily and had also added how awesome this news were and that he deserved it. What news? What was his friend talking about? Slowly but sure the Spaniard got a premonition, a bad premonition.

But it just couldn’t be. Only his dad, Rupert and Caco knew about it. He hadn’t told anyone else about it, at least not yet, since it was still pretty new even for himself. Even when his palms already began to sweat and that one uncomfortable feeling broke free in his belly and did slowly also start to spread out in the rest of his already shaking body, he opened Instagram.

Carlos didn’t have to search long for what he was looking for, even when at the same time he hoped to not ever find this.

_Carlos Sainz Jr. will join Ferrari in 2021._

His eyes widened, when he read that sentence and even when he was smiling over both of his ears in that pic they had chosen for those big news, he really didn’t feel like laughing at the moment. But he finally really felt sick, really sick, when his last hope that maybe some fan page or some non-official side had posted it died, when he looked up at the account and saw it was the official F1 social media account on Instagram.

First he stared with a wide opened mouth at the screen, before he began to curse at his guiltless phone still in his shaking hand. Before he could ask himself long what was going on, he hoped to find answers by his manager. Carlos just wanted to search for his cousin’s number, when his caller ID already popped up on his screen and he picked up instantly.

“What the hell is this? How could this happen?” The Spaniard said all outraged into his phone, while he stood up and moved with his hand nervously through his hair. “I have thought we will make it official in the middle of May?! We have March! Why didn’t they tell me? I just came back from training to find this!”

“I know, I know..” Caco tried to calm down his cousin, but he also didn’t sound calm at all. “One guy of the Ferrari’s media team has made a mistake or better he did it on purpose, because they have fired him the other day. However, this doesn’t matter any more. It wasn’t planned and they are all also pretty angry about it and also sorry, but.. unluckily we can’t change it any more, we have to live with it now. I have already made some calls, have talked with Zak and Andreas. I have some more things to handle and I bet you also have some calls to answer. I will call you later again. I’m sorry for how this turned out, Chili.”

“Okay.” Was all Carlos could respond to it, before he hung up and sank back onto his couch in exhausting. He will thank his cousin later for sorting things out for him and about the great job he always did for him. Of course, he got paid for it, but he could always rely on him. Obviously in contrast to his future team’s media. That did already start well, the Spaniard thought to himself, while he rubbed his face tiredly.

That really wasn’t the way he had wanted to make his move official. Actually he had planned to make a video and thank his whole team at McLaren and also his bosses for everything they had ever done for him. Also for giving him this chance, even supporting him and especially he also wanted to thank one certain little man.

Lando.

Carlos flinched together in the second his team mate’s name had crossed his mind. The young Brit also didn’t know about his move to Ferrari. He hadn’t told him yet, because he just signed a few days ago and he wanted to tell Lando so personally. He wanted to look into his eyes, when he will tell him the big news, even when it will also hurt to see his sad eyes. But Lando deserved it to get it told from him, personally, but that wasn’t able in the current situation.

By the first chance, when he will finally be allowed to leave his home again, he had wanted to fly back to the UK to tell Lando about it. It felt strange to have such a secret from him. On the one hand Carlos was scared about his reaction and what he will say, maybe he will even be disappointed, but on the other hand he did already almost explore from keeping such a big secret from him. He wanted to tell him the whole story already so urgently. He was shortly before exploding.

In the end, Carlos had come to the decision, that his friend will be happy for him, even when he will maybe also be a little sad about it at the same time. Carlos would understand that, because he was feeling the exact same way. But he also knew Lando would be happy for him and they will also stay friends, even when they won’t be at the same team any more.

He had always thought to make it easily back to the UK before May, so he could tell Lando personally about it and maybe even be able to take him into his arms, if necessary, but that plan he could forget now. He was still in Madrid, while Lando was back in London and the news were all around the world.

Quickly Carlos scrolled through all his messages and missed calls. He could find missed calls from his mother, sister and grandparents, also a message from his other sister to please call him, when the 2021 Ferrari driver will have some time, like she had written. It were so many, but not one missed call or message was from Lando.

The Spaniard got more and more nervous with every moment. He tried to calm down with telling himself, that he maybe hadn’t seen the post yet. But F1 had posted it almost one hour ago by now and he exactly knew that his team mate was actually always on his phone, so it was pretty unlikely that Lando hadn’t seen it yet.

But Carlos still had faith. He still hoped to tell his friend this news first, before he will read them somewhere on the internet. Quickly he searched for his number, before he took his phone with a shaking hand closer to his ear. “C’mon, Lando. Pick up. Pick up.”

The Spaniard repeated every few seconds, while he walked around his living room already all desperately, moved with his fingers through his hair and lightly pulled onto it to distract himself, at least a little.

But Lando didn’t pick up. Not by his first try and also not by his fifth. Because of the before already mentioned reason, Carlos knew this really wasn’t usual for his younger team mate. Either something must have happened to him, which he didn’t even want to think about, or he had already seen the news and he didn’t react the way he had hoped for.

After the seventh unanswered call, Carlos let himself fall back onto his couch. He still couldn’t believe what had just happened, that it had really happened this way and he wasn’t still dreaming. Next to his family, Lando did mean the most to the Spaniard. To tell him those big news himself and also personally like he had planned to do, was the most important thing for him.

The young Brit’s opinion and his words to this whole thing meant a lot to him, he meant a lot to him in general. Lando was one of the most important people in his life. Someone he could trust, someone he could have the most fun with, someone who was by his side when he had a good race, but also on those days when nothing seemed to work.

And since the last time Lando also became someone else for Carlos. He didn’t know when it had all started, when those feelings had started to bloom deep inside his belly, but he really couldn’t stop thinking about him any more since Barcelona. It had been a movie night like already so many before, with the little difference that this time it wasn’t only Lando who had fallen asleep at some point during the movie.

Also Carlos had with feeling so comfortable and warm with laying with his younger team mate so close in one bed and just enjoying each other’s companies. He wasn’t doing it on purpose, but in the middle of the night he found Lando in his arms. Maybe he had crawled closer to him, maybe it was Carlos himself who had wrapped his arms around his smaller body and had pulled him closer, but if he was serious, he didn’t really care about how it had happened.

Lando was there, in his arms right where his body did fit so perfectly under his chin. Right where he did belong. Carlos was aware of that his younger team mate also wasn’t sleeping, when he woke up in the middle of the night, but still they both pretended like they were. The Spaniard smiled into his friend’s curls, when he felt him moving closer towards his body.

He held him tighter in response, so Lando let out some noises of comfort, he almost even purred, before Carlos pressed some loving kisses against his forehead. They still drifted off into sleep every now and then during the night, but they always opened their eyes with the other one still as close as possible.

When the new day began, the Spaniard had his arms tightly wrapped around his small waist from behind and woke up the second Lando began to move. This time it was him, who cooed in comfort, because he didn’t want their connection, their closeness, their warmth already to end now.

Lando seemed to feel the same way, because he kept laying still for some more. He used every moment he still had to enjoy this right here, till the unavoidable came and he had to stand up and get back to his own room.

Carlos actually still didn’t know why he had done it, when he had kept on pretending like was still asleep. Maybe he wanted to find out what Lando will do while being in the faith he didn’t know what was going on around him.

And the Spaniard did finally find out so, when he could feel his younger team mate’s eyes resting on him, taking him in and he really had to need much body control to not start to smile and open his eyes to look at his cute morning face as well.

Just when Carlos had felt his fingers sliding through his hair, he could suddenly also feel him leaning closer and in the next second his warm, smooth lips were pressed against his cheek.

He really couldn’t hold himself back any more, when he opened his eyes a split after he could feel the mattress next to him move and watched Lando finally leaving his room on tip toes. The second the door had fallen into its lock, Carlos stretched himself long and over the whole length of his bed, with butterflies in his belly. It had been the best morning of his life.

Later on their flight back to the UK, Lando was once again cold even with his hoodie on, like every time they were sitting in a plane. When he noticed the younger one shivering next to him and how he pulled the sleeve of his hoodie over his freezing hands, Carlos got him a blanket and wrapped it protective over his shoulders.

The grateful smile he got from his friend in response was enough for his heart to skip another beat. But when Lando later even searched for his warmth and closeness, he was sure his heart had stopped working completely. His whole body was tingling, because of the loving way his younger friend looked for affection and protection.

Carlos just couldn’t stop himself from placing his arm around his shoulder and pull him gently into his side. And when Lando then even took his hand under the blanket, the Spaniard was the happiest man on this world and could only squeeze his soft hand in affection in response.

The second their eyes met, when Lando looked up at him like a little fawn through his long, pretty lashes, he gifted him a warm smile so he could relax and feel comfortable for the rest of the flight. Until they landed in the UK they were holding hands and didn’t let go for just one second, even when they had drifted off into sleep a few times. But even then they hadn’t stopped holding onto each other.

The actual plan after testing and some days off, were to go back to work in the MTC, but those plans they could never translate into action, because everything happened differently. Everything happened so fast, when the virus reached the UK.

Before Lando and Carlos could meet each other for one more time, the Spaniard had needed to get back home on the fastest way, before he wasn’t allowed to any more. If Carlos had known that the afternoon on the airport in London would be the last time they would see each other for a longer time, he would have said good-bye to his younger team mate differently.

The news that the whole next season was already cancelled came soon after and latest then Carlos was totally aware about that nothing would be like before any more. Literally, because to all of what was already going around, the virus, his worries about his family and missing Lando, also the Ferrari offer came, like there weren’t already enough things that kept him awake during night.

He had thought long about it, had asked his father about his thoughts to it, had asked Rupert if he would still be with him on that journey and he had also asked Caco about the conditions of the contract.

Because of many reasons he had finally signed. It wasn’t an easy decision in many ways, but in the end Carlos had followed his heart and really, really hoped with that to make his biggest wish come true. But since a longer time he already had another big wish.

Lando.

After that night in Barcelona, their flight back to London and also the distance between them during quarantine made him realize those actual strong feelings he had for him and that he wanted more, he needed more.

But right now such close moments seemed to be far away, with Lando still not answering nor picking up his calls. “Please, Lando. Let me explain.” Carlos whispered to himself, before he tried it another time to call him. But also this time without success.

He didn’t want to make himself desperately any more, telling himself that maybe everything was half as bad as he thought at the moment. Maybe there was a good, plausible reason why the younger one couldn’t be reached at the moment and he will sure call him back as soon as he could.

But still Carlos quickly wrote him a short messages to please call him back as soon as he had read this, in the hope that he will still get to know those big news from his own lips and not through the internet, before the Spaniard finally answered all his missed calls.

Only half-hearted he thanked his mother, sisters and grandparents about their congratulations and he also told them how sorry he was that they had to find it out this way and also how it came so far, that it really wasn’t planned like that.

He listened to their excited voices, but with his thoughts and especially with his heart he was far away. After the seventh call and after already over one hour had passed, Carlos was fully aware of that something was wrong. Normally Lando would have already called him back or at least he would have answered one of his many messages he had written him between his calls, but he hadn’t.

Not one of them. No sign of life from him.

Carlos tried some more pointless, desperate calls, exactly being aware about that Lando already knew of the news. It was actually impossible by now to not have noticed so. The whole Internet was full of them, but Carlos couldn’t even look at any of those posts, because they made him feel so sick.

He just wanted to reach Lando, to explain everything to him. To tell him how sorry he was, because his younger friend was obviously shocked, sad, disappointed, angry or whatever, because he didn’t answer him.

In the end Carlos was close to tears, because he was feeling so helpless with being that far away from Lando and not being able to just get into his car, take the next plane or whatever to get to him and plead him to forgive him, even when it actually wasn’t even his fault. But all he could do was trying it again and again to call him. By now he already regretted his decision to drive for Ferrari in the next season. When it already started like that it just couldn’t be the right thing.

It was already late, when the Spaniard didn’t know how to help himself any more and finally did what he had actually pretended to do so badly. He wrote in a WhatsApp message Lando what had happened, how sorry he was about it all and that it really wasn’t planned for him to find it out this way.

Actually it shouldn’t surprise him any more, but also to this message he didn’t get an answer to. Not after one minute, not after five, not after one hour, not for the rest of the day. The day he will announce to be a Ferrari driver next year was supposed to be one of the best days of his life, but it turned out to be a nightmare for him.

Before Carlos went to bed that night, he had tried it for once more to call his friend and his heart almost stopped to beat, when he thought Lando had really finally answered his call, but then a computer voice only told him that he wasn’t able to call this number. Lando had blocked his number, Lando had blocked him out of his life and with the thought that he had messed up everything the first tear finally fell over the edge of his eyes.

He couldn’t close his eyes for just one second that night. Carlos also had to notice that his friend had blocked him from all his social media accounts, also from his private and he had also unfollowed him everywhere. Even when he still wanted so urgently to reach him, there still wasn’t even a chance to do so any more.

Lando must had been deepest disappointed in him and especially at his actions. And the fact that Carlos didn’t even get the chance to explain himself and sort things out, made it even worse for him. But even if Lando would pick up his phone and they could talk, he would still be mad at him, because Carlos had already written him what had happened, how it came that far, but he still obviously didn’t want to know hear anything from him any more.

The Spaniard could understand Lando, but at the same time he was sad himself. He had expected another reaction from him. Maybe not instantly, but even on the next morning Carlos still wasn’t able to call him or make contact with him through any other way. Everything was a mess.

Without any sleep and currently by his already fifth cup of coffee that morning, Zak called him. They talked long, also about his call with Lando this morning. Carlos didn’t even dare to ask about his younger friend’s reaction, but all Zak could tell him was that he had instantly winked off by that topic and instead he had wanted to know who his next team mate will be.

Carlos made a mental note to also call Daniel later. It must have been also a shock to him and he also wanted to plead him for already the twentieth time to please take care of the younger one next year.

After his phone call with his boss, the Spaniard called Lando’s trainer Jon. He wanted to know from him, if he had already heard anything from him today, if he maybe knew how he was feeling. But Jon only denied his worried questions and in the end Carlos pleaded him to tell Lando to please call him back. He really wanted to talk to him. Jon should please tell him so and also how sorry he was about everything.

But no call was coming and if Carlos was serious, he also hadn’t expected it any more. And then there already came the first interview requests and he didn’t even have another choice than to try to smile into the camera and enthuse about his move to Ferrari. But he wasn’t allowed to tell the publication that it was actually planned very differently and also way later, because his future team didn’t want to stand in a bad light with obviously having such incompetent employees.

But the one who needed to know about the truth knew and for some, or better for just only one, it was still reason enough to not even give him the chance to at least talk to him. All exhausted he had finally managed to fall asleep that night. Carlos would give his seat by Ferrari instantly back again, if he could also have his old Lando back.

The next day wasn’t any better. The Spaniard tried to distract himself with training, before he had one interview after the other, always looking every minute onto his phone, still hoping that maybe his friend had already calmed down and they could finally talk.

Days went by and turned into weeks. Carlos had finally enough with being all on his own and got over to his parent’s place, where he at least had some company and he could also finally talk with someone about what had happened. He told his mother and older sister about Lando’s reaction, or better Lando’s missing reaction.

Of course, he didn’t tell them anything about his feelings towards him, but they both got it anyway how desperate it made him and also how sad he was, when he should actually be over the moon happy.

Even his mother had forgiven him, no she was actually never even mad at him because she had understanding about what had happened and it was self-evident to believe her son, that he had actually planned to tell her before the news will get official. Everyone who hadn’t been involved wasn’t angry at him. Everyone, expect Lando.

Why couldn’t he forgive him? Didn’t he see that it wasn’t his intention, that he didn’t do it on purpose? Was he maybe jealous at him? Wasn’t he happy for him? Was Lando maybe still too young to grant it to him?

Carlos’ mother and sister secured him that Lando will calm down again and when he will finally be ready for it, he will contact him and they will be able to sort things out then. They were sure about that everything will be good between them again. But Carlos really wasn’t so sure about that.

But things didn’t become better, the total opposite actually. Since almost two months he hadn’t heard one word from his friend, nothing. The only way to have some kind of contact was through his many twitch streams. Carlos had watched them, he had watched them all from the beginning to the end.

Not because he was so interested in those games he was playing, he didn’t even really paid attention to them, but it was the only way to at least see the younger one again and hear his voice.

Carlos didn’t know what he had actually expected, but Lando didn’t look sad and also didn’t show any sign that he wasn’t doing alright. At the same time Carlos was happy about that, he didn’t wish him anything bad, but still it only made him even sadder. He was like he always was. Happy, smiley, funny, loud, also a little crazy sometimes and because of all those things also extremely cute. And that did hurt the most.

While Carlos was still captured in Spain, wide away from the young, lively man he loved with his whole heart and felt horrible since so many weeks, Lando was alright. Like nothing had ever happened. Of course, he had seen those messages people were tipping into his chat about his move to Ferrari and what Lando did think about it, but the young Brit never answered one of these many messages. Also Carlos would have really liked to know his thoughts to it.

It was all he could think about any more. He wished for nothing more than the younger once support. Carlos was totally aware about that he had messed up his chance by Lando, if there was ever a chance thro, but if he couldn’t have him this way, he still wanted to be his friend.

Carlos wanted to still be able to spend time with him, to have him close, to know he was alright. But Lando didn’t allow that any more and if he wanted or not, he had to accept it. Even when he did miss him so much.

But Carlos saw only one more, last chance, when Andreas called him for his final meeting at McLaren in May. He couldn’t sleep any more, since he knew about that meeting and the day he was finally allowed to fly to the UK again.

Best he had wanted to drive over to his friend’s place the second his plane had landed, but firstly it was in the middle of the night then and secondly he was also aware about that Lando probably wouldn’t even open the door for him. The only chance he saw to finally talk to the younger one was after the meeting.

His heart was beating so hard against his rips that Carlos thought everyone around the meeting room was able to hear so, even with the social distancing between them, when he was at the MTC for the last time.

Inpatient and nervously he waited for Lando, to finally see him again after such a long time. He came very early, because he still wanted to talk to his engineers and so many other important people, who had helped him develop over the past months, but he also really wanted to talk to Lando.

But the young Brit only arrived three minutes before the meeting and so he didn’t even have chance to talk to him. Maybe also because finally seeing him again had made him speechless for the first moments. Carlos really had to keep his whole self-control together to not just get over and wrap his arms around the younger one and cry against his shoulder.

From the corner of his eyes he could still notice during the meeting how different Lando looked, since the last time he had seen him back on the airport so many weeks ago. He looked tired, pale, his acne had also come back and he seemed to be very tensed and uncomfortable, like he was every second ready to jump up and ran away from here as fast as possible. Lando really didn’t look good.

But even when Carlos had actually wanted to take him into his arms so urgently and tell him that everything will be good again, he still had to wait for that till the meeting was over. And not even then he was sure the younger one wanted the body contact or any contact at all.

It was pretty emotional for the Spaniard, because it was the last time with this team, the team which had become his family. The second Zak and Andreas had finally closed the meeting, everyone stood up, just like Carlos himself, but before he could get over where Lando had been sitting, so many of their team members came to his side and circled him, so he was trapped.

They all congratulate him once more, wished him all the best, thanked him for what he had done for the team and some had even tears in their eyes. Carlos knew they all meant it good, very good even and he was really happy about their words and also appreciated them, but he only wanted to follow Lando, who had stormed out of the room the second he was allowed to.

Some had followed Carlos’ longing look to the door and quickly got it what was going on. They told him that Lando already acted like a little, cowardly kid since weeks. He was probably only jealous about his move and didn’t grant him the whole attention. Some even told Carlos to forget about him and his childish behaviour, but that was easier said than done for him.

He still finally managed to get away from the crowd and followed the younger one. Lando had already almost made it to his car, when the Spaniard ran out of the building like his life did depend on it, called his name and pleaded him to stop.

It was impossible for Lando to have overheard him, because he had called so loud after him. But the young Brit didn’t stop his steps, in contrast. Even quicker than before he finally got to his car, he also almost ran to it, like Carlos was going to hurt him if he will catch him.

He slowed down his steps, when he watched the younger one opening the door of his car. The Spaniard really couldn’t believe it that even after such a long time, Lando still obviously wasn’t ready to talk to him. “Fine! I can also play this damn game! They are right, you are really only some cowardly, little kid!”

Carlos shouted all angrily into his direction, before Lando closed the door and drove into the night. Helpless he just stood there in the middle of the big parking lot and shook his head in disbelief. Tears of disappointment but also anger were glistening in his eyes, while he looked into the direction his friend’s car had left.

Never in his life had Carlos expected Lando to do that. He would have always defended the younger one about that he would never do something like that. But here he was. Lando’s offend was stronger than their friendship. He wasn’t able to forgive him and preferred it to play the sulky, little boy. 

So bad he could be wrong about people, even when he had always thought to really know him and he had been even stupid enough to think that he did also mean something to that person. Carlos had trusted Lando, he had believed their friendship would last forever after everything, but he was wrong. He was proven very wrong.

Now the thought that maybe they could have become something more, that maybe even love was in the play, let him only laugh and shake his head in disbelief now. How could he had been so stupid all the time? Lando was only willing to be his friend or at least played like he was his friend as long as they were team mates.

He had only pretended like they were friends and he had also played with his feelings during that one night. Lando had only used him the whole time for his own good and Carlos had been blind enough to let it happen.

His already injured heart had got completely broken that evening and actually he had best wanted to get away from here as fast as possible as well, but so many people were still waiting for him inside. And with the thought that from now on it was only him any more, he buried his hands deep inside his pockets and got inside the MTC again.

Even when he had actually wanted to get back to the UK so urgently, Carlos still wanted to get away from here even faster and he also planned to not come back to here so quickly again. In Spain, he tried to forget Lando. It was the hardest thing he had to get through in his life so far, because even when the young man had broken his heart, he still missed him every moment and it also hadn’t changed his deep feelings for him.

Carlos tried to distract himself as good as possible and he also tried to enjoy the summer with his family and friends, as good as he could with the virus still living under them. He also spent much time with his dog, rallying with his father, go karting and do a lot of sports and training in general.

And when they were on holidays on Mallorca there also were those two or three flirts he had. It was nothing more, but enough to distract him at least for one night. Carlos tried to enjoy his life as good as possible, before he only focused on his work after holidays any more.

He did read a lot of the Ferrari history, so he will be able to answer question, if there should ever be any. He also took online lessons in engineering, changing his eating habits and he also trained twice as hard and long as before. His whole focus was only on his job any more, even when Lando was still living in his heart.

A few times he was also back in London to meet with Rupert or spend some time with his friends there. Even when he didn’t necessary need the flat there any more with his new team’s factory in Italy now, he still wanted to keep it, because he liked London and so many memories were living in his little, top floor apartment.

He just didn’t bring it over his heart to give it away and he also didn’t bring it over his heart to get over to Lando’s place and knock at his front door. The Spaniard knew the younger one didn’t want to see him, even when he himself was arching to finally see his sweet face again, to hear his cute giggles, his cheeky smile and those pretty eyes again.

By now Carlos could have simply called him with having a new number, but he didn’t because he didn’t know what to say or what words he could message him. Carlos could have also simple written him his new number, just in case he should ever need it, but he also didn’t do that. Lando had a reason why he had banned him out of his life and somehow the older one could still feel that he was mad at him, even after so many months.

But Carlos didn’t have much time to think about it. He flew between Spain, the UK and Italy now. He had finally found a small but very nice flat with a great few over the city, close to the Ferrari factory and also close to his new team mate. Also Charles had a place there in town.

With the young Monégasque he had already got along even before they had become team mates. Charles was very nice, funny in his own way and sometimes also pretty cute, but way different compared to Lando and he also won’t ever reach the same dose of cuteness that the younger one had. Carlos still missed him badly, but he tried to force himself to finally get over him and only think about his job any more. He wanted that, he wanted it so badly to become a champion one day.

The day he had moved into his new flat, Charles came over for some drinks. Carlos was actually pretty happy with his company and to get distracted, because his birthday had been a few days ago and he was still very disappointed that not even on his birthday Lando had written him.

He really hadn’t expected a whole Instagram post about him congratulating him, but he would have at least hoped for a short message. Lando did know ways to get his number, if he wanted, but he obviously didn’t. He probably didn’t even remember when his birthday was.

While they drank some beer and looked at the pretty view his balcony offered, Charles asked all curiously out of nowhere “What did Lando actually say about your move to Ferrari? I haven’t heard anything about it on the internet.”

Carlos snorted, before he began to pull on the label of his bottle. “Me neither.” He whispered more to himself, but still the younger one got his words and began to frown. The Spaniard breathed deep inside his lungs, before he looked up at some random point in the distance.

“Nothing. He has said nothing.” The older one muttered, it did still hurt so much. “Oh. That surprises me. I have expected him to be kind of sad about it or something like that. So he has only accepted it and let you go? I mean, he had to, I know, but you two always seemed so close.”

“I have also always thought so. But it wasn’t like that.” Carlos whispered, before he let his look sank to the ground and he pressed his eyes closed. He could exactly feel Charles’ eyes on him, how he eyed him worriedly about his reaction, his words, how his mood had changed so suddenly.

“I don’t understand it. Didn’t he want to accept your move? Wasn’t he happy for you? Had you a fight?” Painful Carlos bit down onto his lower lip, when all those feelings washed over him once again, after suppressing them for so long.

“If it would have only been like that.” He finally said with a small, shaking voice, looking at his fingers for some more seconds, before he finally told his friend the truth. “I don’t know what Lando has said, what he has thought when he had got to know about me moving to Ferrari, because I haven’t talked to him since then. Like so many other, he has found out about it through the internet. I have tried to call him, I have written him so many messages, but he never answered just one. I don’t know if he is mad, or disappointed at me or if he just doesn’t grant me the seat, because I haven’t shared just one word him since then. I have written him about what has happened, that I have actually wanted to tell him so personally and that it wasn’t my intention for him get to know about it this way, but that hasn’t changed anything about it. Lando hates me and somehow I can still understand him.”

Charles seemed to have noticed his team mate’s current emotional state and had quickly moved on the bench next to him to pull his arm around his shoulders to tell him “I’m really sorry to hear that. I bet Lando’s opinion would have meant a lot to you. The two of you were pretty close, everyone could see that. And I also don’t want to defend him in any way, but maybe everything will be good again one day. He will calm down and maybe you will get a chance to talk to him about it and figure things out. Lando is still so young, he does still mature and one day he will get it how stupid his actions were.”

“I don’t know. So much time has already passed and still he doesn’t want to hear anything from me. If he would only let me talk with him. But actually there isn’t much more I have to tell him, he already knows everything and he has still banned me out of his life. Even if I would get the chance to, I still wouldn’t know what to say to him to change his mind, so he won’t be mad at me any more. I would give everything, really everything so things could be like back in Barcelona again.” The Spaniard whined helpless. It felt good to talk with someone about it and also the amount of beer did help him to do so.

Charles didn’t ask what had happened in Barcelona, instead he rubbed calming circles over his back and tried to catch his eyes, when he whispered “Lando means a lot to you, right?” Carlos kept on staring at some random point, while he tried to hold in the tears already waving in his eyes.

All carefully, so they won’t fall over the edge he finally nodded his head and looked to his left, right into his friend’s eyes and finally nodded his head with a shaking under lip. “You can’t even imagine how much I still care about him.” When the first tear fell, Carlos had to look away again, hiding his crying face in his hands.

Soothingly Charles moved his hand more firmly over his now shaking back, while pulling him closer into his side for some comfort. Lando did mean to his new team mate more than he had actually thought, but at the same time he wasn’t surprised about it.

The chemistry the two of them had, wasn’t one to be overseen, by anyone. “I’m so sorry, mate. Believe me, when I say I exactly know how you feel.” Thankfully about his words Carlos caught himself again and when he wanted to apologize by his team mate, Charles quickly secured him that it was alright and he didn’t have to worry about it.

They both went silent, while the Spaniard thought about his words and finally asked carefully “What did you mean with that you exactly know how I feel? Do you also have feelings for someone you are no longer able to tell so?” His question caused the younger one to laugh, even when his face looked tortured at the same time.

“Yeah, kind of. With the small but very important difference, that I never ever had a chance. But I still love that guy with my whole heart, even when I exactly know I can’t ever have him.” The young Monégasque told Carlos his heart and he did feel pity for him instantly.

“Don’t say something like that. You just shouldn’t stop believing, maybe you actually have big chances by him, you just don’t know yet. I think you should just ask him for a date or you won’t ever find out if he has also feelings for you. Maybe you should..” But before Carlos could go on, and Charles knew he only meant it good, but if he would know about whom he was talking, he wouldn’t say such things.

So he quickly told him “It’s Max.” He could see the moment the older one got his problem, when his eyes widened and his mouth fell open. “Oh.” Charles nodded his head in agreement, before his lips got into a thin line and he confirmed “Yeah. Oh. I think now you can see my problem, right?”

“Kind of.” Carlos admitted, before he looked at his team mate with sorry eyes. “Don’t give me that look. I know it’s hopeless. Max won’t ever get on a date with me, not even mention to form the same feelings for me like I have for him. It’s okay. I have already resigned to that since years.”

“Years?” The Spaniard asked with big eyes. He was aware about his feelings for Lando just a few months, he couldn’t even imagine having such strong, longing feelings for years. “Yeah, it has all started when we were karting together and he already hated me back then. Even when I don’t exactly know what I have ever done to him. Sure I gave him some reasons to hate on me sometimes, but he has really an obsession with hating on me. In contrast to you and Lando. For me, you two look like a dream couple. You are made for each other.”

“I have also given Lando a reason to hate on me. Seems like the two of us are sitting in the same boat, my friend.” Carlos gave Charles a small, bitter smile, it was actually all they could do at the moment anyway. Bathing in sorrow won’t help them in any way, especially because the ones they loved the most obviously didn’t have any feelings for them.

“Yeah, in the same sinking boat. A cheers to that, my broken-hearted friend.” Charles responded the smile, before they clicked bottles and talked about the men, who did belong their hearts, the whole night long.

When Carlos got told about the farewell party McLaren had organized for him in the end of October, he couldn’t wait to tell Charles about it and how excited he was to finally see Lando again after such a long time. He just needed to show up there, which the Spaniard did actually doubt.

But his team mate tried to cheer him up with telling him to think positive and that he was sure about that Lando will join the party. Months had already passed and if the Brit was really at least a little decent, he will show up there and finally jump over his own shadow and talk to Carlos, to grant him the move and stop being an offended little kid.

The older one didn’t care about an apology, he just wanted to see Lando and be able to talk to him. He wanted to know how he was, if he was doing alright, what was going in his life in the last time. He just wanted to make sure he was good and stop acting like they weren’t best friends once.

The Spaniard had spent way too much time in front of the mirror before the party. He did wear his nicest clothes, had showered twice as long as usual, he just wanted to be as good-looking as possible, for Lando. Even when just a few minutes later he did sweat his shirt and suit and he really had to suppress the need to move through his well combed hair every few minutes out of habit, whenever he was nervous and tensed.

The party was for him, they had only made it for him, which really wasn’t self-evident from a F1 team to get your own farewell party after you had signed for another team, so he tried to be punctual. Also because he couldn’t wait any longer and hoped to find Lando already there as well.

But he wasn’t. So Carlos tried to pass the time with talking to nearly every one present at the party. The later it got the more nervous he became. ‘He still isn’t here..’ The Spaniard had written his team mate, who tried to cheer him up with telling him that he shouldn’t worry about it so much. Lando will show up, he was sure about it.

After the party had official began and he had given a little speech to the whole McLaren team and he even had tears in his eyes while doing so, he went on with looking that longing way at the door, hoping to find Lando walking through it in the next moment.

“He won’t come.” Even when the voice was all too familiar to him, Carlos still shrugged together, when the blond woman suddenly stood next to him and looked up at him with a sorry expression. The Spaniard frowned at his once media manager in confusion, till he got what those words of her meant. What those words of her meant to him.

“I’m sorry.” Charlotte whispered, before she laid her hand on top of his shoulder and offered him a small smile. Lando won’t come. He won’t come to his farewell party. He won’t show up tonight. Lando didn’t even do it for him, for what they had, after everything they had been through. Absently the Spaniard nodded his head, before he muttered almost inaudible “Excuse me.”

He did flee to the toilets, where he looked himself inside one and leaned his back and head against the door. Harshly he bit down onto his lip to suppress those tears falling over the edge of his eyes, but when he put out his phone to message Charles, he couldn’t hold himself back any more, when he tipped

‘He won’t come, Charles. He won’t! I have really meant that less to him. I have hoped so much for him to come. But he still hates me, for the rest of his life.’ Since the beginning the Spaniard had actually known that he won’t appear, but still he had hope, had believed his team mate’s words that he was sure about that Lando will show up.

But now here he was, locked inside the toilets, crying quietly to himself, while there was a party for him outside. ‘I’m sorry, mate. I’m really sorry. He doesn’t deserve you.’ That wasn’t what Carlos had wanted to hear, because even when Lando didn’t come and he was still so disappointed now, he would still forgive him anytime if it meant to get him back.

And he was also aware about that Charles didn’t mean it serious, because also Carlos always noted so, whenever the young Monégasque told him another story of Max’s behaviour towards him. They only said so in the hope to cheer the other one up, exactly knowing that they would still give everything to call the once, who didn’t deserve them, their boyfriends.

Carlos breathed deep inside his lungs for once more, before he whipped those tears away and finally stepped outside again. Actually he had the need to get badly drunk tonight, but he couldn’t do that right here.

He forced himself to smile the whole rest of the evening, talked with as many people as possible, thanked them for everything, tried to act like he was in a good mood and wasn’t actually slowly dying inside.

When he was finally back home in the middle of the night, he began to cry in the second the door was locked behind him. Even when it was way over midnight, Carlos still called his team mate, who picked up instantly.

How bad he had wished Charles to be next to him right then. The Spaniard had cried himself into sleep that night with the knowing that Lando will probably hate him forever and he won’t ever be able to make it good again.

Carlos couldn’t wait to get away from here again, to get back to Italy and to Charles. It felt good to finally have someone he could talk to, talk about his feelings and also his team mate felt that way. They became close friends pretty quickly and also spent much time together, when they were in Italy for their jobs.

In the city they were living, they only knew each other, so it was actually logical for them to meet after work. They went out for some drinks into a bar, went to the cinema together, for dinner, shopping, went on a run together or they just hang out at each other places.

They had already seen the other cry more than just once and in these moments it just felt good to have someone holding you. On some days, when their longing for the men they won’t ever be able to call their own, was too strong, they stayed at home, cuddled up in front of the TV, watched some random shows while eating lovesick ice cream.

In the young Monégasque, Carlos had found someone to still his urge to be the protective, caring older brother. He always enjoyed it so much to take care of Lando, to make sure he was alright and had everything he needed. Charles was sometimes as helpless as the young Brit and it made Carlos’ heart arch to take care of him in these moments. It made him whole again to keep someone safe.

To take the younger one into his arms, kiss the top of his head and tell him that everything will be good again. To motivate him, when he was all insecure and worried too much about something in their job. The Spaniard loved to cook the younger once favourite meal, when he was down, to look at his sleeping body all cuddled up half on top of him, when they had tried to watch a movie for the hundred time and he had once again fallen asleep or when he was able to make him smile and giggle, till his cute dimple was visible.

In Charles, Carlos had found some kind of replacement, at least for his older brotherly feelings, but the young Monégasque won’t ever be able to replace his Lando. There was no way. His heart will always only beat for him, even when it was now almost one year ago, since their night in Barcelona.

But Lando seemed to have found a replacement for him and because that shock wasn’t already enough, the two Ferrari drivers had to realize that the men they did love they most had found comfort by each other.

Lando and Max had spent almost the whole last year online, playing and streaming together. Everyone could watch their relationship develop and everyone did also notice that there was something between the two of them. It was actually impossible not to see it.

And also Carlos had to say, that Max’s voice did sound so much different, compared to when they were in the paddock and even more compared to when the Dutch talked or better always almost yelled at Charles, whenever they were interacting.

The way Max treated the young Brit was precious and also very cute, even the two Ferrari drivers had to admit that, also when it did hurt at the same time. The Dutch was another person around Lando. Very caring, supportive and even sweet, in contrast to the way he treated Charles.

And Lando, the Spaniard had never heard him laughing that much and heartily in his life before, and it did really hurt that it wasn’t him, who had caused him to do so. He had never been able to make him that happy. Max would never hurt Lando in any way, in contrast to him.

The evening the two Ferrari drivers finally had to realize that they were obviously together was when Lando and Max were streaming together once again. Laughing the whole time long, calling each other cute nicknames and they both looked so incredible happy.

It did hurt so much. Charles was already crying bitterly, when Carlos finally turned off the stream, because they had both seen enough. They had cried each other into sleep that night and even when they were both glad the men they loved the most were obviously happy, it did still hurt so much to not be the one to make them happy.

While Charles promised himself to not give Max any reason to hate on him any more than he already did and made it to his target to maybe have just one normal conversation with him in the next season, Carlos wanted to forget his own anger about Lando’s disappointing reaction to his move to Ferrari, so they could get another chance.

Not as a couple, that train had left already since a longer time he was fully aware of that, but maybe as friends. Or at least two F1 drivers who were able to talk and get along with each other. The Spaniard’s urge to know Lando in safety, that he was in a good stage of mind and his well-being, was stronger than all the pain he had caused him over the last months.

Carlos really couldn’t wait for the start of the new season any more. With his new team, with his new team mate, with his new car, his new chance and also to see his favourite little Brit again.

When he had spotted him the first time, even when it was just from far away somewhere on the paddock, the older one could still tell that he had changed. Lando seemed to have grown a little, the skin of his face was all clear, he had even grown some facial hair and also the way he walked looked more secure and self-confident than in his Rookie year.

Carlos was proud of him, but at the same time he was also sad, because he wasn’t able to watch him change and he was also kind of sad, that Lando didn’t seem to need him any more. He wasn’t the Rookie any more, the young, insecure boy with his acne and big, scared eyes.

At least his curls were still the same, Carlos thought to himself with a smile, before he forced himself to stop his longing looks at him and go on his way. His boyfriend seemed to be good for him. Max had obviously helped Lando to grow, even when actually Carlos had wanted to be the one to be next to him in that journey.

Later his heart skipped a beat, when he walked through the almost empty paddock and directly into the direction of the man he loved the most. Either Lando hadn’t noticed him yet or he had and still acted like he hadn’t, but Carlos wanted to take this as his first chance to try to get closer to the younger one again.

After so many months Lando couldn’t be that mad at him any more, or? They said time did heal all wounds, but maybe enough time still hadn’t passed for his ex-team mate, when the Spaniard greeted him with his heart beaten wild against his rips and Lando only gave him a disgruntled look in response and Carlos had already almost passed him, when he could hear the younger one muttering

“You look like shit in red.”

It had caused his kind smile to fade away quickly. Deeply shocked he stopped his steps and asked himself if he had really just heard him right. When Carlos turned around, he only saw Lando leaving his field of view with quick steps. Sad and also kind of disappointed, the Spaniard buried his hands deep inside his pockets, before he went on his own way with a lowered head. It was obviously still too soon.

When he later told Charles about what had happened, he promised himself to stay away from Lando, because the younger one was obviously still mad at him and not willing to forget about it just yet. Like something like that will ever be able to get forgotten. The older one will take his distance to him, he didn’t want to cause Lando any more pain than he already had.

While Charles spend still some time with his ex-team mate, because he did miss the German pretty much because he had been the father figure to him, he did still need so urgently, Carlos spent some time with Fernando.

It did hurt, when Carlos thought that at these moments he could have also spent some time with his ex-team mate. Lando and he would have found time to still be together, fool around like they always had. If that was a reason why the young Brit was so angry with him, because he was scared that they won’t be able to spend any time together any more, those worries would have been unfounded.

But the young Brit seemed to like to spend much time with his new-team mate anyway. Carlos could find Daniel in every of the younger once post lately. But Lando didn’t need a clown, he needed a big brother. They seemed to spend much time together, like they had always been. It just remembered Carlos for the thousand time how much he did miss him and how bad he had fucked up.

All those Spanish lessons he had given him, even when in the end Lando still couldn’t remember just one word, all those insider jokes they had, all these laughs they had shared, all these memories they had created, just everything did Carlos miss. Things he did dream about every night and he didn’t have with his new team mate.

The next weekend Carlos and Charles had been out at their free Saturday night. They had drank a few beers in that one bar close to their flats in the middle of Italy, talking about their favourite topics. The men they won’t ever be able to have.

They talked the whole evening about Lando and Max, about their feelings for them, about their fears, even when they had told each other so already a hundred times. Charles brought his team mate up to date about what had happened in the last few days.

Max had glared at him, like he really wanted to kill him right where they were, at least five times. Charles had offered him a small smile, which got the young Dutch just even more annoyed about his existence. Between practice one and two last week, their ways had crossed in the paddock and because there were so many people around, Charles had got bumped and crashed accidentally into Max’s side.

The Red Bull driver had shouted at him, if he didn’t have any eyes inside his stupid head and that he should keep the fuck away from him. It really wasn’t the first time Max had yelled at him, but it did still hurt every time.

Carlos meant that Charles could call himself lucky that Max did at least talk to him, even when he was only screaming at him and it really wasn’t a conversation at all, because in contrast Lando still ignored him like they had never called each other friends. Like the Spaniard was just air to him, someone he had never seen in his life before and he will forget about already in the very next second again.

The two Ferrari drivers had talked for hours, some tears had fallen on both sides, before swallowing them down, because they really didn’t want to cry in the middle of a bar. Like always they had tried to cheer each other up and find nice words to make each other go on and to stop to not giving up hope.

They ended up in Carlos’ flat in the middle of the night. Even when it was already that late, but after the bar had closed they didn’t want to go to bed already now on their free weekend. With a new bottle of beer in their hands, they were sitting on his balcony and looked over the sleeping city.

They kept on with their favourite topic, drank one beer after the other, till they felt drunk enough, when Charles suddenly came up with a crazy idea. They were actually both still laughing, when he suggested so and first Carlos didn’t know if he had heard him right or not “What?” He had asked and stopped to laugh completely now, when he noticed the younger one suddenly so serious looking expression.

“Yeah, I mean why not. We both can’t have the men we want, so what speaks against it if we would have some fun together?” The Monégasque shrugged his shoulders, before he took another sip of the bottle between his hands. With a half opened mouth, Carlos eyed his younger team mate still all surprised about the idea he had probably only suggested, because he was already drunk enough.

And because the Spaniard was also already pretty drunk, it caused him to ask all curiously “Top or bottom?” Charles looked up at him through his lashes, his cheeks were blushed lightly, maybe from the alcohol, maybe because of Carlos’ question. He bit unsure down onto his lip, until he admitted “Bottom.”

The older once thick lips formed a smirk instantly. Carlos began to like that thought as well. He hummed, while nodding his head thoughtfully and before he also took a sip from his own beer as well, he told the younger one with a rough voice “Maybe this could really work.”

Charles began to smile like a child on Christmas morning, which caused his team mate almost to choke. The Spaniard eyed the younger one for some moments, undressing him already with his eyes and thinking about all the nice things he could do with him, before he placed the now empty bottle next to his feet and gestured Charles to come closer “Come over then, cabron.”

Carlos leaned back into his seat, so the Monégasque could easily climb onto his lap, which he did without hesitant. With still reddened cheeks but also an excited smile on his lips, Charles made himself comfortable on top of his team mate’s lap, wrapping his arms around Carlos strong neck and feeling his hands on his sides.

“And what exactly do you want me to do now?” The older one questioned with one raised eyebrow, while looking expectant up at him, ready to do and give Charles everything he wanted. “Just fuck me. I haven’t got since such a long time and I finally want to feel something else.”

“As you wish.” Carlos answered simply, before he buried his fingers into the soft, short hair on his lower head to pull him closer. Their first kiss was hungry, wild and passionate. Within seconds Charles had his team mate’s tongue deep inside his own mouth, moaning under his touches and attention.

Easily the Spaniard let his hands slide under his shirt, exploring his team mate’s warm skin and causing goose bumps wherever his fingertips had touched him. Carlos didn’t waist too much time, before he plugged onto the hem of his shirt, till Charles raised his arms and he could pull the material over his head.

When the Spaniard sucked onto his sensitive nipple, bit into it or let his tongue slip over it, the young Monégasque cried out in pleasure and couldn’t hold himself back any more, let his head fall back, while rubbing with his middle against Carlos’ to get at least some relieve.

But at one point it wasn’t enough any more, he got impatient and gripped for his team mate’s shirt as well. With one quick move from the older one, he was shirtless as well so Charles could let his fingertips float over his broad shoulders and through his chest hair.

“Stand up, cabron. We need to get you out of those tight jeans. I want to get a taste of you.” Willingly the younger one did like he got told. Carlos began to work on his belt instantly and only stopped, when his team mate stood completely naked in front of him.

“God, you are so pretty.” The Spaniard complimented, while he couldn’t take his eyes away from his stone hard erection, eying every part of it and his full balls. “Safe your charm for someone else. Take me already.” Charles muttered after he had rolled his eyes about his team mate’s reaction, before he gripped for his dick and moved it closer to Carlos’ mouth right in front of his nose.

The older one smirked up at him, before he enclosed those thick lips around Charles already glistening head, causing him so to moan into the silent night. He held himself onto the railing of his friend’s balcony, while Carlos took in his whole length, massaging his balls at the same time.

During Charles deep moans and pleading whimpers, he climbed back onto the older once lap, so Carlos had better access to reach his hole. He wetted his middle finger with his own saliva, looking up at Charles while doing so, before the glistening finger disappeared all the way inside the young racer.

The Spaniard really had trouble to hold his team mate in place, especially when he added a second finger and let him ride those. “Yes! Oh fuck, Carlos! I’m so close!” The Monégasque warned, while he speeded up his movements, sitting down onto the length of his fingers harshly, before pulling almost all the way out, before repeating it all over again and again.

But that wasn’t the way the Spaniard had imagined it to be, he was horny as well and hadn’t had any sex since months. He also needed his relief, but not like that. Charles cried out, when his team mate pulled out of him in one go and stopped stroking his pulsing erection.

With suddenly so innocence looking eyes, even when he had just fucked his fingers like no tomorrow, Charles looked down at him, while his lips were formed into a big pout. “I was so close.” He complained, while he tried to get some relieve with rubbing his balls against his team mate’s crotch.

“Yeah, I know. But now it’s my turn, cabron.” Carlos informed him and even when the younger one rolled his eyes, he still got down from his lap, waited patiently till the Spaniard’s jeans and boxers were gone, before he willingly got onto his knees between his legs. With big eyes and already licking his lips, he watched the dick of his team mate right in front of his eyes, while Carlos stroked himself a few times.

“Open your mouth. I want to fuck it.” The thick Spanish accent made things to Charles. Like it was the most delicious lollipop he ever head, he sucked, licked and pulled him all the way inside his mouth, till he chuckled. “Yeah, good boy.” Carlos praised him, before he arched his back to fuck deep down his throat.

The Spaniard could have come deep inside his team mate’s mouth so quickly and easily, if he had wanted. He actually wanted and could have also done so with holding Charles’ head in place the whole time long, but it still wasn’t the way he had wanted to get his relief tonight. He had wanted to feel the man, who was sucking his dick oh so well.

“Come on, cabron. I finally want to fuck your sweet, little ass.” The Spaniard simply informed him, after he had removed his dick out of his friend’s mouth and let him behind with his lips still formed in a tight o. Carlos quickly helped him onto his feet, before he took his hand and leaded him inside his bedroom.

Willingly Charles crawled on all four on top of the mattress and wiggled playfully and already all expectant with his sweet ass. “Can’t wait to get finally filled.” He murmured all horny. With a big grin on his lips, Carlos got onto the bed as well and positioned himself right behind his so ready team mate.

They both cried out in pleasure after not having this feeling rushing through their bodies since such a long time. “Hell, you are so damn tight. Let me change that, cabron.” The Spaniard promised, before he started with his steady, fast rhythm. The grip he had around Charles’ waist was so tight, he knew he will become bruises there tomorrow but he really didn’t care about that right now.

All he felt was his friend’s dick deep inside his arching hole, fucking him senseless and let him forget about everything else. Once Carlos had angled his right leg so he could fuck Charles even deeper and faster, the young Monégasque gripped for his own erection, because he got closer and closer to the edge.

“I’m about to come.” He informed the older one, about which Carlos reacted with even harder trusts and hitting the right spot deep inside him every time. Charles came with his team mate’s name on his lips and spilling everything his balls were ready to give onto the duvet under him.

The Spaniard followed him just seconds later. Both cried out when he pushed himself one more time deep inside his now dripping wet hole, when the last wave of his orgasm rushed through his body and Carlos finally collapsed on top of his friend’s back.

He nosed his neck from behind, kissed his sweaty shoulder blades, while trying to catch his breath. They kept laying like that for some minutes, trying to get the upper hand over their fast breathing and wild racing hearts again. The Spaniard was the first one, who caught himself again. His softening dick had already slipped out of Charles' sperm filled hole, when he carefully got down from him and disappeared into the bathroom.

He was gone for not even one whole minute, but when he came back with a wet flannel in his hand, he found his team mate crying in his bed. “Charles? What’s wrong? Oh my god, have I hurt you?” Carlos asked all worriedly, after he had quickly hurried over to his side and helped him to sit up property.

It needed some moments for the younger one to calm down, before he told him between sobs and a shaking head “I just wish you were Max.” His words did hang in the air for some seconds, until the team mate’s eyes met and Charles realized what he had just said.

“Oh God, no. No, I’m so stupid. I didn’t.. I really didn’t mean it like that. I shouldn’t have said something like that after what you have just done for me. I’m so sorry, Carlos. Of course, I like your company and all.” The young racer apologized instantly for his heartless comment, but the Spaniard really wasn’t mad at him at all, when he told him

“I also like to have you close, god I really liked it to have you that close, but I know what you mean. Don’t be sorry for feeling this way, cabron. If I’m serious, I would also prefer Lando in my bed now, but it how it is. We both can’t have the one we linger for so bad, but what we have just done was also pretty nice and let me forget about Lando for at least some time.” Carlos smiled softly down at the younger one, stroked with the back of his fingers over his still reddened cheek.

“Yeah, it was really pretty nice and also a good distraction.” Also Charles finally managed to smile up at his older team mate. Carlos was right. Why should they always be so sad and depressed, when they could have some fun instead, at least for some moments.

“What do you think about taking a shower and about another distraction?” The Spaniard winked at him seductive and only too happy and excited Charles took his offered hand and followed him into the bathroom for distraction number two that night.

While Carlos did change the duvets, Charles had made them some sandwiches, feeling very hungry after their nighty activities. They finally ate those sandwiches still all naked in the bed, before they both fell asleep in each other’s arms by sunrise.

When they woke up again in the middle of the day, they still hadn’t changed their minds nor were embarrassed about laying all naked next to each other. Without even saying out loud so, they decided that they both liked the closeness. They both needed it, in so many ways.

Carlos needed to take care of someone with treating him the best possible way he could do, to spoil someone, to give someone everything he was asking for, to pamper him in every possible way. To give him his whole attention and affection.

And Charles needed exactly someone like that, who took good care of him, who gave him everything to feel comfortable and satisfied, who will give him his full support and fondness. Someone he could trust in every way, someone who exactly knew what he needed.

When they were together like that, they were able to forget about their sorrows, about their worries, about their broken hearts, at least for some time. And they both also needed someone who eased their needs. It was perfect this way.

They both trusted each other fully, they were friends and they both actually loved someone else. It seemed destiny, or whoever had planned that, had made them team mates for a reason. The two Ferrari drivers had fun together, a lot of fun. They could just be them and by the way they got also their needs satisfied.

But things were not always good, especially when it came to the one they did love the most. Lando still tried to ignore his ex-team mate all the time and even when Carlos had needed much self-control, he also kept his distance to not make things even worse.

But the Spaniard forgot about his own problems, when he got to know what had happened to his team mate during the race. Max and Charles had crashed and even when he knew and also saw it on the video he had seen after the race, that the young Monégasque hadn’t done that on purpose, he still already knew right now that for Max it was only one more reason to hate on his actually very sensible rival.

Urgently, because Carlos knew that Charles was probably pretty down and sad about what had happened, he was searching for him. When he couldn’t find him in his driver room, where he had actually expected him to be hidden and curled up all frustrated, and also nowhere else inside their motor home, the older one got outside on the paddock and actually he only had to follow Max’s yells to know who Charles was.

Carlos couldn’t believe his eyes, when he found Max pressing his team mate against a truck, Lando next to them trying to pretend his boyfriend from the following, but it was already too late and the sound of a slap echoed through the air.

Quickly and with the need to protect the weaker one taking the upper hand over his actions once again, Carlos had stepped between the two rivals, pushed Max harshly away and asked with a very strong voice, even when he still couldn’t hide his shock about what he just had to see “What the hell are you doing here?”

Protectively the Spaniard kept his team mate save behind his back, while he glared at the Dutch and had to listen to how he justified his actions. Carlos could exactly feel his friend’s body shaking behind him and even when Max was still yelling, he could also hear his quiet whimpers and cries.

“I warn you, if you will ever come close to Charles again I will beat your ass.” The older one warned him, meaning every word serious, because he won’t let it happen that he will hurt his friend in any way for just one more time. Charles really didn’t deserve to get treated like that. He always tried to make it everyone right, especially Max. But it seemed like no matter what he did, Max always found a way to hate on him and hurt him even more.

Lando really tried his very best to keep his boyfriend out of any more trouble, but Carlos only stopped his tension and narrowed look, when Max finally backed away. When the Dutch was out of reach, he quickly turned around to take his bitterly crying team mate tight into his arms.

“It’s okay, tesoro. It’s okay. He is gone and won’t ever hurt you again. You are safe, I promise to keep you safe. I have got you.” Carlos whispered in Italian, exactly knowing how much his mother language did calm Charles. With both of his shaking hands, the Monégasque clutched onto his friend’s shirt, cried his eyes out and sobbed that heartbreaking way.

To try to give him some comfort, the Spaniard rubbed over his trembling back, before he kissed the top of his head and stroked all gently with the back of his fingers over his from the slap still reddened and pounding cheek. When Charles buried his face once again into his neck, Carlos’ eyes found Lando’s over his friend’s head. The shock was also still written deep inside his eyes and the older one thought he could need a hug as well.

But the urge to protect his so badly crying and hurt team mate was stronger than anything else at the moment, why the Spaniard narrowed his eyes warningly at his once best friend. The glare should tell Lando that he needed to take his boyfriend under control and make sure that something like that won’t ever happen again.

After Lando had finally turned around and made his fastest way to follow Max, the Spaniard gave his whole attention back to his still sobbing team mate and whispered down to him “Come on, tesoro. I will bring you to your room.”

Charles was already sitting on top of his lap and cried into the curve of his neck, since a half eternity, but Carlos didn’t care about that. He would hold Charles for the rest of his life, if it would be necessary. No one deserved it to be threatened this way, especially not his so sensible and very loveable younger team mate.

When Charles’ deep sobs finally became less and those thick tears had stopped to roll uncontrolled down his cheeks, he asked the older one all desperately “Why do I always make everything wrong?”

“You don’t, tesoro. You really don’t, believe me. You know Max, you know him better than me. Maybe it wasn’t your best idea to try to talk to him right after the race, but I’m still very proud about you for trying it. I’m sorry, but he is an idiot and doesn’t deserve you at all. I know it’s hard to love the wrong guy, but it really wasn’t your fault at all, tesoro.”

Carlos whispered into his hair, while he pulled him closer and the younger one snuggled against his chest. “It really wasn’t my intention to crash into him.” The Monégasque needed to say his thoughts out loud, even when the older one knew so anyway, but he still let him tell it all, before he secured him “I know, tesoro. I know. And maybe Max will also see it after he had calmed down. I’m sorry.”

Carlos held his younger team mate for some longer, till his whole body had calmed down and wasn’t shaking any more. With a very worried and concerned voice, he finally almost begged Charles with saying “Please, promise me that you will stay away from Max in the next time. At least when I’m not close to you. I don’t want you to get hurt in any way ever from him again. And I think you also don’t want it that he will get banned.”

“No, it’s the last thing I want. I promise, Carlos. And I’m also sorry.” The young Monégasque said with a small voice, while he looked up at him with his puppy eyes. “For what are you sorry for, cabron?” He asked with a frown between his eyebrows.

“I have seen the way you have looked at Lando. I’m sorry I have made you choose between him and me.” Charles shifted nervously on his lap and tried to avoid his eyes. “Don’t be, tesoro. Of course, I was on your side. What Max did is more than just wrong, when not even unforgivable. Of course, I did defend you.”

Shyly Charles smiled up at the older one and just wanted to thank him for everything he had just said and also done for him, when the Spaniard added jokingly “And in contrast to Lando, you let me fuck you, so that decision wasn’t that difficult to make.” Both Ferrari drivers did burst out laughing and Carlos’ try to make his younger friend with his statement happy again, at least for the moment, had worked.

Grateful to see the younger one smile again, the Spaniard leaned forward to kiss his friend’s still from his many tears lightly wet and swollen cheek, before he took him into his arms once again to last like that for some more.

“Do you think he does also hurt him?” Carlos’ voice did suddenly sound all worried and concerned again. Sure Charles got what he meant and had a bad feeling about it as well first, but after he had thought about it for some seconds he stopped their embrace, so he could look the other one right into his eyes, when he tried to secure him “No, I think Max has never laid a hand on him and he also won’t ever do something like that. He loves Lando, that’s the big difference. He hates me, but he loves Lando. I don’t think you need to worry about that. I bet Max is actually very good to him.”

The Spaniard believed his team mate’s words, which made that knot inside his throat less tight. “Yeah, you are probably right. Even when I don’t want to see Lando in someone else arms, I still want to know him in safety. The thought that someone could hurt him..” Carlos had to swallow thickly, he wasn’t even able to say those words out loud.

“Max treats him right, Carlos. Stop thinking such things. No one hurts him.” Charles took his friend’s from worry shaking, cold hands into his, stroked with his thumb softly over the back of his fingers. “And I bet you would also beat the one’s ass, who would ever dare to lay just one finger on him.”

The smile the younger one offered the Spaniard, also caused him to smile, even when they both knew it was the brutal truth. “Yeah, I would totally do that. For both of you.” While Charles got onto his feet and offered his older team mate his hand, he said teasingly “You are such a softy, Sainz. C’mon, the pizza will go on me tonight for saving my ass.”

To Carlos’ relieve, Charles kept his promise and stayed away from Max, especially when he wasn’t around. He wanted him out of danger and he also didn’t want his first team mate to get banned. Carlos knew Max and he also knew that he was probably sorry about what he had done now, but he also knew that whenever anger was in play he couldn’t think straight any more. He just didn’t want to get things out of control, because he actually also still liked the Dutch.

A few weeks later and after another great result on the podium for both Ferrari drivers, Carlos and Charles decided to forget about their love sickness for once and tried to have some fun at the after race party instead. And they had, they really had.

They took some drinks together, also with other drivers and some members of their team. In contrast to Lando and Max, who were sitting at the bar the whole time long and looked pretty frustrated, they did laugh a lot, had a good time and also went dancing together.

Shortly after two in the morning and just having the right amount of drunkenness, feeling unconcerned enough to forget all their worries but not too drunk to feel sick, they finally left the club. But in contrast to Carlos, Charles seemed to have already crossed that line, maybe the fresh air had helped a little, when the young Monégasque suddenly stopped and said out of nowhere

“I need to go to Max. I need to apologize. It was my fault, he should have won the race. I need to tell him that, I need to find him.” Thankfully his movements and also his reactions weren’t the best any more, why the older one quickly could quickly hold him back by his arm, before he could even think about running back to the club to look for his biggest rival.

“Woha, cabron. You won’t apologize by no one tonight, especially not by Max.” Carlos told his friend slowly, making sure his drunken brain understood what he was trying to tell him. “But he is still mad at me and I don’t want him to hate me. He will maybe forgive me, if I will say it was all my fault. I have to try it, Carlos. Please.”

“After what I have seen tonight he must be even more drank than you are. He will only yell at you again and maybe do even worse things to you than slapping your face this time.” The Spaniard pulled his arm over his still lightly rebelling friend and softly pushed him back into their direction of their hotel.

“But.. I love him, Carlos.” Charles whined, already close to tears. “I know, tesoro. I know. And if you still want to, you can talk to him tomorrow. But not tonight, okay? I will bring you into bed now.” The older one told him well-meant, while he whipped the first tears away from his cheek.

“Can I sleep in your room?” The young Monégasque asked with big, glassy eyes to which Carlos wasn’t able to say no to. “Sure you can, tesoro. You will see, the world will look differently again tomorrow. Heads up.”

After they had made it into his room and Carlos had helped his friend out of his clothes and into his bed, to more activities Charles wasn’t able to do any more tonight, the Spaniard sat down on his couch, not feeling that tired yet. He watched over his sleeping team mate, while he once again had to think about Lando.

The young Brit had looked so sad tonight, even when there actually shouldn’t have been a reason for that. His race had been good, but still he looked so down, while his boyfriend and he had taken one drink after the other. Whenever Carlos had looked over at them, they weren’t even talking with each other and also every time he had looked over at them Max had a new drink in hands.

He exactly knew what will happen to the young Dutch, when he drank too much alcohol. He won’t be able to have himself under control any more and Carlos really didn’t want Lando to be close to him then. Even without wanting it, Max could hurt him in his state.

The Spaniard made sure his team mate was sleeping all deeply, before he got out of his hotel room to get back to the club, because he had a very bad feeling. Something will happen or had already happened, Carlos just didn’t know what yet, but he had to find Lando and Max.

Like his bad feeling had already told him, he couldn’t find them anywhere in the club any more. So he got outside again to search after them there. A wave of relieve filled his body, when he heard his ex-team mate’s voice in the silent night. He speeded up his steps to follow his voice, but when he heard Lando’s voice a second time and how scared and desperately he did sound, Carlos began to run into the night as fast as he could.

He first didn’t believe his eyes, when he saw Max and Lando on the rails, after he had finally made it around the corner. All desperately the younger one tried to get his boyfriend down from the rails. In the end he had even made it to help him to stand up, but then they both fell before he could get them in safety. 

In horror Carlos suddenly saw those lights coming closer and closer, directly where Max and Lando were curled up on the rails. “Shit, no.” He muttered, before he raced over to where the two of them were still sitting, after Lando’s last failed try to get his boyfriend away from here.

“Lando!” The Spaniard screamed from the volume of his lungs and scared to his bones. He couldn’t, he just couldn’t let them die in front of his eyes. He had to save them, he needed to at least try it, even when it would mean giving his own life for it. But it was Lando. The young man he still loved with his whole heart and he will always love, for the rest of his life.

“Lando!” Carlos yelled once more, while the train and he had a race about to who will catch them first. The Spaniard didn’t know his legs were able to carry him that fast, when he reached them shortly before the train did and he also didn’t know where the strength had suddenly come from when he grabbed both of them and finally got them somehow away from those damn rails and so also out of danger just in time.

The young Brit screamed from the volume of his lungs like if he had really got hit by the train even after Carlos had placed them in one piece and all healthy onto the save grass. “Lando. Lando, open your eyes. Please.” The Spaniard’s voice told him all worriedly, maybe he had got really hurt.

All carefully and hesitantly, the young racer finally opened his eyes a split, but the moment he looked right into his worried once, his eyes widened almost painfully. “It’s okay. Shshs.. it’s okay. Everything is good, Lando. You are safe.” He tried to calm him down, also with rubbing his hands soothingly over his arms, but still Lando didn’t calm down, the total opposite actually.

“Why are you here? Why are you also dead?” He cried out between the deep sobs, the panic was written deep inside his eyes. “Lando, I’m not dead. So aren’t you.” Carlos tried to make him realize all slowly, before he cupped his face lightly, so he had to look right into his eyes.

With a secure and calming voice, he tried to tell him once more “You aren’t dead, Lando. I have found the two of you just in time.” It needed some moments till those words were able to sink inside him and he was also finally able to believe them, when he slowly nodded his head. But then the panic was right back, when he asked all scared “Where is Max?”

“He is right here and all safe as well.” Carlos tried to calm him down, when he pointed right next to them, where the young Dutch was laying in the grass and slept all peacefully like nothing had ever happened. “You can believe me, Lando. You are both safe.”

And then the younger one finally really did, when he crashed into his ex-team mate’s arms. Carlos caught him easily and pulled him closer against his chest, while Lando wrapped his arms all tightly around his neck and cried all the fear and angst out of his still to his bones horrified body.

“It’s okay, Lando. You are safe, nothing can harm you any more. I have got you.” Carlos whispered into his ear, while he held him all close and rubbed circles over has back. His small body was shaking so much under his deep sobs, while he just had to think about what would have happened, if he wouldn’t have found them.

The so loveable, young and lively man in his arms wouldn’t be alive any more, so wouldn’t Max, who still had a heart of gold, even when he could not always show so. Carlos would have never forgiven himself, even something would have happened to them.

Just the thought brought tears into his eyes and without thinking about it, he pulled Lando even closer and kissed the top of his head. Soothingly Carlos tried to shush him, cradled him softly in his arms and let him cry out all his anxiety. He didn’t want to ever give Lando out of his arms ever again.

“I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to die. I was so scared.” The young Brit sniffed and sobbed between every word, but the Spaniard still understood. He had actually seen it with his own eyes. “I know, I have seen it. I have seen it all. But you don’t have to be scared any more. It’s over. Try to calm down, Lando, breathe properly.”

Carlos sat down on the grass then and took the young Brit with him. He placed him easily on top of his lap and let him cry until the last tear and his body wasn’t shaking that much any more. Softly the Spaniard stroked through his hair the whole time long to calm him down and make him realise that really nothing could harm him at the moment, as long as he was in his arms.

Even when Lando wasn’t crying any more, Carlos still didn’t let go from him. Actually he never ever wanted to let him go again. It felt so good to have him back in his arms, at his spot right under his chin. To feel his warmth, to feel his heart beating inside that small body, to smell his sweet scent.

They were sitting like that somewhere in the middle of the night already a half eternity, when Carlos finally began to lose their embrace, even when at the same time he almost didn’t bring it over his heart to do so. “Are you already feeling a little better?”

Under Carlos’ protective eyes, Lando nodded his head all bravely. Encouraging the older one rubbed over his arm, when he asked “Do you think you are able to get back to the hotel?” Once again Lando nodded his head, even when that meant their closeness will be over again. Way too soon.

After the Spaniard had got onto his feet, he offered his ex-team mate his hand, which Lando took instantly to get onto his still shaking feet. “Alright. Then let us get this drunken something into bed.” Carlos muttered more to himself than to Lando and surely not to Max, who was still sleeping all unconcerned next to them on the grass.

Finally, the older one rolled the Red Bull driver onto his back, before he supported him to sit up. “Max? Can you hear me?” Carlos asked with a raised voice, after he had kneeled down right in front of him. When the young Dutch didn’t show any reaction at all, the older one lightly slapped his face and tried once more “Hey, Max.”

“Carlos? What are you doing here?” The younger one finally asked with his drunken brain, before Carlos tried to get him onto his feet. Lando hurried over to help him. Together they managed that Max was at least able to keep standing on his own feet, if only shaky.

“Saving your ass. Again.” Carlos finally told the Dutch, even when the younger one probably wasn’t able to hear him any more. Silently they made their way through the night back to their hotel. Carlos also kept an eye on Lando, who still limped and looked very traumatized.

So he asked every few minutes if he was still able to help steadying Max, because if it would be necessary he could also carry him on his own. Carlos also asked about his ankle, but Lando always answered that it wasn’t that bad and he could go on.

After they had finally made it into the young Brit’s hotel room, they let the Red Bull driver slip down onto the bed and just when Carlos thought he did know them in safety, Max suddenly began to cough and choke. With the reflexes of a cat, the Spaniard grabbed him and quickly brought him into the bathroom, just in time.

While Max did throw up into the toilet, Carlos kneed down next to him to hold his head and rub circles over his shaking back in comfort. From the corner of his eyes he suddenly spotted Lando, leaning all exhausted against the door frame. His face suddenly looked so pale and sweaty.

Even while he still made sure Max did hit the toilet and not the floor next to it, the older one noticed the sudden green colour in his ex-team mate’s face. “Get out of here, Lando. Don’t look at him. Sit down and try to calm down.” He ordered the younger one all well-meant, because he couldn’t watch out for both of them, if Lando needed to throw up as well.

Lando did what he got told and disappeared from watching his boyfriend throwing up into the other room again. When Max was finally finished, when there was nothing left his body could leave, he fell all exhausted back into Carlos’ arms. The Spaniard whipped over his mouth with a wet flannel, before he quickly got him out of his dirty clothes.

Together with Lando’s help, they finally managed to get him into bed. “Are you okay?” The older one asked his ex- team mate still all concerned, while Lando took place next to Max and stroked some sweaty hair strains out of his exhausted face. “Yeah, I think I am.” He answered weakly, before they both watched Max closely worthless. Luckily the Dutch seemed to be way too exhausted and tired to bring himself into any danger or trouble again tonight.

Carlos’ eyes finally wandered from Max over to Lando, who actually looked as exhausted and tired as his boyfriend. He had pity with him, with both of them. The older one could feel his ex-team mate’s eyes on him, when he got into the bathroom to get Lando something to drink.

“Here, drink that. You will feel better after.” The Spaniard offered him the glass well-meant and to his relief Lando took it and drank the water. At the moment the young Brit took his last sip, Carlos placed a blanket around his shoulders and wrapped him all gently into it.

From behind he took the now empty glass to put it on the little table next to the bed, while he rubbed the younger once upper arm calmly. Finally, also Carlos took place next to Lando on the bed and eyed the Dutch all closely, while he touched his leg. “Do you want me to tell why Max has tried to kill himself?”

He could hear his ex-team mate breathing deep inside his lungs and he also checked the inside of his lips if he should either tell him so or not. “It’s a long story.” The younger one finally answered short, too sleepy and too washed out to tell Carlos the whole story or maybe also because he didn’t want him to know.

Lando really didn’t owe the Spaniard an answer, it was none of his business, but still Carlos was worried about Max and so also about Lando. “Does he need help?” He finally asked carefully, because he didn’t even want to think about if something like that will happen again and he won’t be close to them.

Lightly the young Brit shook his head, before he secured the older one “I don’t think so. He probably won’t even remember about it anyway tomorrow. He has drunk way too much tonight. I shouldn’t have let that happen and leave him alone.” Carlos could hear the guilt out of his voice, something he had never liked to hear from him.

“It’s not your fault at all, Lando. Not everyone would have sat himself next to Max on those rails. You can’t blame that on you. I’m still glad I have found you just in time, before..” The words got stuck in his throat, unable to say them out loud.

Both went silent and eyed Max already fast asleep next to them instead. “You should also lay down and try to rest.” The Spaniard finally suggested his ex-team mate well-meant. Lando really also needed some sleep, after everything. “You think you are good on your own now?”

If Carlos was serious, he was waiting for a no. For Lando to ask him to stay, to not go away again. It needed some moments in which he had held back his breath, but then Lando finally nodded his head. Of course, he did.

“Alright. If anything should be, my room number is 417.” The older one still added, already hoping for his room phone to ring right now. Finally, he carefully stood up, after he had looked at Max for once more, before he went over to the door.

“Carlos.” It felt so good to hear his own name coming from Lando’s sweet lips. “Thank you.” He quickly added and Carlos could tell that he had actually wanted to say something more, but nothing came out of his still lightly opened mouth. “Don’t worry. Nothing to thank for.” The older one secured him truthfully, before he opened the door and slipped outside onto the corridor.

There he imagined his own name coming from Lando’s perfect lips for once more, but he was probably only imagine it. With a heavy heart, Carlos made his way to his own room, still thinking about what had happened, what had almost happened and how great it had felt to have Lando that close again. It felt so different compared to when he had Charles in his arms. The Monégasque had everything, but he still wasn’t Lando.

The Spaniard had always adored it to take care of Lando, to watch over him, to make sure he was alright, but tonight Lando had really needed his help and he also let it happen. The young Brit was willing to accept his help. He had let him close again, he let himself fall into his arms and gave him his whole trust. It had felt so good, even when it was only for a short time.

When Carlos finally entered his own hotel room, Charles was still fast asleep in his bed and hadn’t noticed anything. Quickly, because he suddenly felt also pretty tired, the Spaniard got out of his clothes and slipped under the duvets next to his team mate.

Charles purred in his sleep, when he felt his friend’s arm around his waist, pulling him closer. It still felt nice, but Charles wasn’t Lando. It still only calmed his urge to watch out for someone, but Carlos’ heart needed more to get satisfied. He needed his young, sweet Brit.

Charles cuddled himself closer against his body, while Carlos listened to the silent and waited for the phone in the corner of his room to wring. But it didn’t, and the exhaust from the last hours also finally let him fall asleep while waiting for Lando to call for his help.

He didn’t tell Charles about what had happened. He didn’t want him to worry about Max, even when Lando had promised him that something like that won’t happen again. And somehow, even when it was very tragic and also sad what had happened, it still felt like these memories did only belong to Lando and himself now.

So Carlos told nobody about it, even when he had to think about how the young Brit had felt in his arms and how happy he was to be able and take care of him for the next weeks. And somehow he got the feeling that Lando did maybe think the same, because whenever the younger one was around him now, he couldn’t feel him that tensed and angry at him any more.

Something had changed. Maybe the happenings had got them a little closer again or at least had stopped the whole hate. So Carlos even dared to greet his ex-team mate a few days after that one night. His heart made a jump inside his chest, when he not even greeted him back, but also offered him a small smile. He took that as a big win.

Carlos knew things won’t ever be the same any more, but maybe one day they will be so far to call each other friends again. His biggest wish was to know Lando in safety. To know he was doing well, that Max was good to him and he was in the right place of mind. He wanted to be part of his life again, even when it would only be a very small part. But it would be enough for him.

But for now, the small hello was already enough. Lando didn’t pretend like Carlos didn’t even exist any more, he gave him another chance and he will use it, that was for sure.

Maybe before that one night, he would have taken the stairs instead of the elevator, when he saw Lando getting into it. But now Carlos even jogged over to also catch it. The younger one even offered him a small smile, which still caused his belly to tickle in excitement. To Carlos’ surprise Lando even took his headphones away when he greeted him as well.

They both went silent when the doors closed and the elevator set in motion. The Spaniard could feel his ex-team mate’s eyes on him. Inside his head, Carlos already thought urgently about what he could talk about with Lando. Maybe about today’s training? Maybe about the track? The weather?

But in the end he didn’t need to decide, when the whole elevator began to shake suddenly and stopped to move from one second to the other..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😊
> 
> I know you guys have probably thought the second chapter will start right where the first one has stopped, well... I'm sorry to have disapointed you here 😉
> 
> I wanted you to get to know about Carlos' point of view as well, his thoughts and his choices, so we can understand him and his actions better.
> 
> But I promise, the next chapter will start right were the last two have ended 😉
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! ❤️


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it took me aaaaages to finally update the third chapter, but here it is finally 😬  
> I hope the whole hard and long work on this one right here will be worth it in the end 😅

“What the hell?” It escaped Carlos’ lips, when they both had to realize that something was pretty wrong here. Because after the elevator had stopped to shake, they didn’t move at all any more. The Spaniard showed Lando his back, when suddenly that female voice was audible, telling them about some technical difficulties they will try to repair as quickly as possible. They were trapped inside here.

To the question of how many people were inside the elevator and if they were all good, Carlos answered with his own and his ex-team mate’s name, being the only two captured inside here and that they were alright.

At least the older one had thought so, but as soon as the woman’s voice had told them to be a little patient, till they will find the error and be able to fix it, and their conversation did end with that, Carlos turned around and just wanted to check on Lando, when he got it that the younger one was far away from being okay.

“Lando? What’s wrong with you?” The Spaniard asked already all concerned, while he eyed him standing there pressed into the corner. Lando’s face was completely pale, but at the same time sweat drops of fear were visible on his forehead. His eyes were widened almost painfully in shock, staring at some random point in front of him, while his chest did raise and fall way too fast and irregular.

And even when it was already such a long time ago, Carlos instantly remembered by his appearance about one of their first days being team mates. They had been on that media event for the upcoming season and if he still remembered right, it had been their first big media appointment being team mates.

To get to their interviews on the other side of the hall, to two of them had to make their way through the crowd. Lando had tried his best to stay right behind his team mate, because he hated such big crowds. On top of that came, that the young Brit had claustrophobia and the deeper they made their way into the crowd, the more he began to panic.

He had tried to fix his eyes on Carlos right in front of him, to not lose him. If so, Lando was sure he would get close to a panic attack. He had hoped for that his team mate didn’t mind him touching his back and holding onto his sweater there, so he had something to hold on to and not lose him.

But then someone had rammed Lando from the side and he got so separated from the older one. Panic had filled his whole body instantly, because he couldn’t spot Carlos any more. He had felt those sweat pearls building up on his forehead, but at the same time a cold shiver ran down his spine.

His breathing speeded up and with his last strength Lando had managed to call after his team mate with already shaking lips, before his throat constricted the whole way. Like the Spaniard had already been trained to hear his voice out of all those noises here, he instantly noticed Lando’s and just because of the way his voice did sound by just saying his name, he could already tell that something was wrong.

When Carlos had noted, that Lando was gone, even when he had been right behind him just moments ago, he instantly searched for him and called his name as well. His voice had already been way weaker than before, but the young Brit still managed to repeat his team mate’s name over and over again, till he finally really found him in the middle of the crowd.

The second the Spaniard had spotted his younger team mate, he knew that something was wrong. He had looked so pale, so scared, almost sick. Carlos had assumed Lando didn’t like such crowds, was maybe even claustrophobia, why he quickly got over to him and told him reassuring “It’s okay. I have got you.”

Carlos had taken Lando’s shaking, cold hand all tightly into his then and did lead him safely through the crowd, looking back checking on him every few seconds. The moment they had left the crowd behind them, the Spaniard pulled his younger team mate into a safe, quiet corner, where he could calm down.

Still all breathless and pale, Lando had tried to get the control over his own body back, while he stood there leaned against the wall in the corner. Carlos had offered the younger one his water bottle and told him “You should drink something. It will do you good.”

With still trembling hands, the young Brit had taken the offered bottle thankfully, before he took some sips of it all carefully, because also his lips were still shaking from the happenings. Maybe he had already looked a little better, but the Spaniard still thought, that his friend could need a hug at the moment, so he had simply wrapped his arms around his small, scared body and had pulled him against his chest, in the safety of his arms.

“It’s okay, Lando. You are all good. Nothing can happen to you, I’m here.” Carlos had comforted him, till he wasn’t shaking any more and when they finally pulled apart again, Lando had even gifted him one of his usual, pretty smiles in thankfulness.

And even when already so much time had passed since that moment, this Lando right here in the elevator remembered Carlos so much about the shy, so easy to manipulate and intimidate young man from back then.

Of course, the older one hadn’t forgotten about his big fear, even after all this time and even when it was actually just the two of them inside here and they still had enough place, at least for Carlos’ liking, Lando still began to panic, because of the knowledge about being captured in such a small space for an undefined time.

“Lando, hey. It’s alright. We will get out of here pretty soon, you will see.” Carlos first tried to convince him from still right where he was standing, not knowing if he could take any closeness at the moment or not.

But the younger one didn’t react to his words at all. He still just stood there and stared at some random point, while his breathing got faster and more irregular with every moment. Carlos knew if Lando won’t get it back under control, he will see black soon and then they would really have a problem here.

When Lando’s from the fear shaking legs suddenly boycotted his bodyweight, the Spaniard just caught him in time and didn’t waste one thought about their closeness any more. “I have got you. Come here, sit down with me.” Carefully he let the younger one slide down the mirror front, till they were both sitting and Lando could lean his back against the wall.

Luckily the older one had a bottle of water with him, which he did instantly offer to his friend, like he had done already back then. “Drink that. You need it for dehydration.” Carlos ordered well-meant, before Lando took the offered bottle and he slowly let the liquid run down his dry throat.

His breathing was still way too fast and hysteric and without thinking too much about it, the Spaniard reached out to take one of his ice-cold and shaking hands into his and squeeze it softly, telling Lando so that he wasn’t alone in here. They were in this together, they will get through this together and they will also get out of here together.

“Carlos.” Lando whined out, his voice did sound so weak and thin. “I know, little one. I know. Try to breathe through, all slow and deep. In through your nose and out through your mouth, I know you can do this. You already have once.”

And Carlos could tell the younger one really tried it, he gave his best, but he had still problems to breathe properly again, when new waves of his fear hit him and his body began to shake from new.

Carefully the Spaniard finally laid his arm over his ex-team mate’s shoulders, pulled him closer into his side and held him, just held him. Not too tight, but still with a light pressure, because once again Lando seemed like he needed at least some body contact at the moment, like back then.

“You don’t have to be scared, little one. I’m here, I will take care of you. I have got you.” The older one whispered, before he also grabbed for his second hand, holding them both now, while he caressed with his thumb over his still cold and at the same time lightly wet fingers.

When Lando still had some trouble to calm down, Carlos got more concerned again, because his try to calm him down with some body contact didn’t seem to work this time. But luckily another idea crossed his mind and he had no other chance than to try it and hope he will succeed this time.

“Do you still remember about the last Japanese grand prix?” The Spaniard asked softly, hoping that Lando did also still remember about it, because for Carlos it were one of his happiest memories he loved to think back a lot. But he didn’t know how precious these memories were for the younger one in his arms, how often he thought back to their good times, when everything was still alright, if he ever did so anyway.

“Of course, I do.” Lando did response with an already steadier and stronger voice again and even when Carlos wasn’t able to see his face at the moment, he could still hear him smile, while just thinking about back then.

“About all those FIFA matches together with Max, Sacha, Caco and all the other. About us watching movies, while there has been that typhoon storming outside. And of course, the plenty of time we have spent with bowling. Do you also still remember, when you have managed a strike?”

To his surprise, Lando answered instantly and his voice really didn’t sound that dangerously thin and shaking any more, his plan to distract him really seemed to work this time. “Yeah, I have really thought to be able to beat you at least once.”

“You actually almost have, you have been good all evening long. But in the end it was a draw between us. I have run over to you and have pushed you onto the ground then.” Lando’s breathing had gone back to normal in the meantime and Carlos could feel him cuddle deeper into his side, while thinking about their good old times with a smile on his lips.

Also the Spaniard himself did so, while he did rest his head against Lando’s and without thinking about the consequences, he whispered against his curls “I think about it, pretty often actually. We always had a great time together, Lando.”

And why did you have to destroy it then, the young Brit asked himself, when he got thrown out of his memories, by Carlos’ words. Just then he noticed how calm and regular his breathing had become, since his ex-team mate had begun to talk about their past and was holding him close. And even when he was actually thankful for making himself feel better, he still quickly pulled his hands away from the Spaniard’s grip.

The closeness was too much for Lando to handle at the moment, after he had got remembered about their good, old times and also about why they weren’t that close any more now. He needed to bring some distance between the two of them again. Carlos understood and let him, even when he would have like to stay for some more, having him close, thinking and talking about their great time together.

The Spaniard cleared his throat, before he pulled away and crawled to the other side of the elevator, to give the younger one some space again. Even when Lando looked better than before, he still seemed to be tortured and something told Carlos that this time it was only his fault. He really shouldn’t have started that kind of conversation right here, but at least it had helped Lando to finally calm down again.

The Spaniard let his head fall into his neck, hating himself for this new mess he had created right here, because the last thing he had ever wanted was to make Lando sad. It really wasn’t his intention at all, but here they were. His once best friend was sitting there with his legs pulled against his chest, his arms on top of his knees, while he had rested his head on top of his lower arms, looking away from him.

Carlos knew that Lando best wanted to also pull the hood over his head to hide himself from his gaze so completely, but being captured in such a small place and with mirrors all around them, it was actually impossible to hide at all. Just moments ago they had been so close and right now they seemed to be that far away from each other like never before, even when they were still in here and his once best friend so close, so reachable.

“Lando.” The Spaniard began softly, hoping so to get his attention or him maybe at least looking back at him. But there came no reaction at all, the young Brit still looked away from him, hiding himself as good as he could while doing so. He just kept on playing with the laces of his shoes, while looking with the same sorrowful expression at some random point, trying hard to keep it together. But Carlos could see him, at least some parts of his so sad looking face reflecting in the mirror.

“Lando. Please, look at me.” He pleaded patiently, when he had to watch how one, single tear made its way down Lando’s cheeks and he actually best wanted to crawl right back to his side, take him into his arms and tell him that everything will be good again, but he knew it would only make things worse.

Of course, the younger one didn’t look back at him. Too uncomfortable, too ashamed, too afraid to get hurt once again. Instead, Carlos kept on eyeing his once best friend all closely, knowing into which difficult situation he was going to bring him here, but it was finally time. They should have had that conversation already a long time ago. With his lips formed into a thin line, the Spaniard kept on looking at Lando all curled up in front of him, unwilling to listen to him, unwilling to look at him for just one more time.

“Don’t you think we should use this right here to finally talk about it?” The older one asked all carefully, but like he had already expected, Lando also didn’t answer this time nor did he move at all. Carlos sighted and if he was serious, he would have also preferred it to avoid this conversation, because it did hurt him as well to live through all those feelings again, to tear those wounds open once again, but at the same time he also knew that they finally really had to talk about it, to clear things, to finally keep going on with their lives and leave it behind. Right now.

He really didn’t expect to make things good again with it, too much had already happened for that, but maybe they will be able to understand each other and their actions better afterwards. Taking one step closer to maybe form some kind of friendship again or at least to be able to look into each other’s eyes again, whenever they will pass on the paddock.

Carlos knew Lando would listen, he actually had to do so, he had no other choice, if he wanted or not and somehow the Spaniard really felt sorry for bringing him into this situation, but if he won’t do this now, he probably won’t ever do it. So he took one more deep breath, before he finally began to talk.

“I.. I actually don’t know where to start, but.. You have to believe me, I have really planned to tell you about it, tell you about it personally, before you will hear it from someone else, but.. it’s just.. if I’m serious, I have really expected another reaction from you. Everything, but not this back then. I know you were probably disappointed about me, but I was also pretty disappointed about you and your actions, you know.”

“You think you were the one being disappointed? You really think that?” Before Carlos could react to it, Lando had suddenly jumped onto his feet, the whole sadness was gone and had got replaced by pure anger and rage from one second to the other. Only that one clear tear still remembered about his sorrow, while he narrowed his eyes down at him and wildly gestured with his hands.

But the Spaniard did nether say anything nor did he stop him. Finally, Lando was talking to him, actually he was yelling, but at least he finally said something about the whole mess. So Carlos let him take off all his anger on him, Lando had carried that burden with him for already way too long anyway.

“God, you are such a hypocrite! That you even dare to take the whole damn blame on me now, when it has actually been you, who has acted like a complete asshole the whole time long! How do you think I have felt, when I have got to know it through the media? Hell, I have felt so stupid, like a complete idiot, when I have read it on Instagram out of nowhere, like everyone else! So don’t tell me, you have actually planned to tell it personally to me, because you had enough chances for that, but you were just too cowardly for it. You always talk about your big cojones, but where were they back then, when you couldn’t open your damn mouth and tell me the fucking truth? I don’t even want to know since when you actually knew it, since when you have lied right into my face, because I have believed you, when you have told us all about that you want to stay longer at McLaren, that you feel fluttered about those rumours about the clown’s offer, but your place is at McLaren, with me. But I’m just stupid Lando, right?! The dumb, way too young, inexperienced Rookie you can lie to so easily, because he is so easy to influence, right?! But do you know what? I’m not that dumb like you think I am, I actually exactly know how this business here works and if I’m serious I’m very happy about that you are gone now, because Daniel is great. I don’t need you any more. He already is a better teammate than you would ever be.”

Lando had to stop then, because he was breathless. His whole chest was raising and falling heavily like he had just run a marathon. He could also exactly feel how hot and red his head had become, while throwing all those things against Carlos’ head. His whole body was shaking after his outrage.

In the meantime, also the older one had finally made it onto his feet, but until now he hadn’t said just one word, he had just let himself get yelled at, while looking back at Lando with an unreadable expression.

But then the Spaniard really dared to answer with “I’m happy for you, Lando.” and this really wasn’t the reaction the young Brit had expected, had hoped for, he had wanted to get, when he had let out his whole dammed up anger and sorrow from the last months on his ex-team mate. He had wanted to make Carlos jealous with his statement about Daniel, to maybe make him angry as well, but in the end Lando had only managed it to hurt him once again.

And the worst, Lando believed him, he believed his words. Carlos was really happy for his once best friend, but actually the young racer was everything, but not happy at all. The way the Spaniard looked at him, how deep his eyes did drill into his soul with that small smile on his lips, even when his eyes were filled with sadness at the same time, finally broke him.

The whole anger from just a few moments ago was completely gone, instead he slumped in on himself, he let his shoulders sink, he let the tension leave his body, when he dropped his head and closed his eyes for one brief moment, before he told the older one with a quieter, but not less emotional voice

“I.. I have just thought we were friends. I was really stupid enough to think that your interest on me was real. That you have really liked me the way I am, that you have liked me as a friend. But if you had done so, you would have told me. But I obviously didn’t mean that much to you to at least tell me about it or mention it just once. It’s not like I have wanted you to ask me for my permission to let you go or something like that, but it would have been nice, if my opinion had meant anything to you. But you haven’t said one word to me, you just waited till I will find it out on my own, like all the other, like I’m not someone special to you. But I obviously really never was. You have just locked me out, you have only used me and you have lied to me. Like all the other before. I have trusted you, I have really trusted you. It had hurt so much. And the worst of all, I still wish you would have told me so personally. It would have changed everything.”

Desperately Lando tried to quickly whip those thick tears running down his face away, he just couldn’t hold them back any more. Not after all this time. It was too much for his broken soul and he was tired of the everyday’s fight to keep it together, to pretend like he was okay in front of everyone. It was so exhausting and he just couldn’t go on like that any more. It slowly but sure destroyed him.

But he still wasn’t finished, there was still so much he did carry around himself since such a long time and because of whatever reason, Carlos still listened to him attentive and he also still hadn’t said one word. He probably first wanted to let him talk, to let him talk about everything he carried inside his broken heart.

“Why, Carlos? Why? I still don’t get it. Have you really thought I won’t grant it to you? That I will be mad at you for leaving? That I will try to talk you out of it? That I won’t let you go? I would have never done any of these, I would have never been mad at you for following your dreams, I would have been even happy for you, because I know you deserve it, but.. it did hurt so much that you didn’t want to tell me one word about it. To me, your best friend or at least I have always thought I am. You have taught me so much in the time we have been team mates. You have showed me so much, you gave me all those tips and advices, even when you really didn’t have to do it. But it was probably only part of your plan to win my trust, even when I still don’t know what advantage it has given you. You have just played with me and with my feelings all the time, being nice to me so I thought we are friends. Or maybe we were really friends but then I once again don’t get it why you have treated me like that. I have trusted you, Carlos. I really have. I could always come to you and talk to you about everything, but why didn’t you do it? I would have listened to you as well. You were my reference person all the time and it did just hurt so much to get left behind from you like that. I have believed in you, every single word you have said and then you just piss off, like this all hadn’t meant anything to you, like I have never meant anything to you all the time. And now you really tell me that you often think back about our time and you even blame me for it not being this way any more. But it was you, who left us, who left me, when you actually had it all, but you have left everything behind for them. You really can’t imagine how I have felt back then, how I still feel today. You were gone from one day to the other without even saying goodbye to me. And you are really here now and try to tell me that you are disappointed in me, when it was actually only your fault?”

Tears ran down Lando’s cheeks in streams, because all those feelings being dammed over the last few months did now burst all unfiltered out of him. He felt like he was right back at that moment, when he had found out about Carlos’ move to Ferrari on Instagram.

It had really finally been time to let all those words fall over his lips and especially to make Carlos listen to them. To let him see what damage he had caused on him. Because the permanent stomach cramps, sickness, that knot inside his throat and his unease from the last few months were finally too much for him to handle any more.

And even when Lando was obviously finally finished, finished with letting Carlos know how he did feel and what he had to say about his actions, but also finished with his nerves, the Spaniard still only stared back at him wordless. And the silence between them slowly but sure made him crazy, because even when it were probably just a few seconds, it felt like a half eternity, till Carlos finally opened his mouth and once again Lando really hadn’t expected him to say the following, when he asked all confused

“But Lando. It wasn’t my fault.” Of course, it was his fault, who’s fault should it be instead? Did he really dare now to blame someone else for his cowardly and buy him for stupid? But before the young Brit could get mad because of this, Carlos added “I have already told you so in that one message I have sent to you the day they have made that mistake.”

Now it was Lando, who looked all confused back at his ex-team mate, not knowing what he was talking about. “What message? What mistake?” He asked with a deep frown between his eyebrows, hoping that Carlos will be honest to him and won’t come up with a story he had just invented, only to make things look good for him and he won’t have the whole blame any more.

“The long message I have written to you, when you have nether answered my calls or messages nor have you called me back that day. In which I have explained everything to you, because I didn’t know any more what else I should do. You didn’t even give me the chance to explain or just listen to me. Haven’t you got that one?” The Spaniard answered tortured, like thinking back about that day did hurt him as much as it did Lando. After thinking about it for some moments, the young Brit finally came to his decision and slowly shook his head.

“Oh.” Carlos whispered, when he got the cause of all the mess and he could finally understand why things had been the way they had. Now he could finally understand Lando’s reaction, about why he was yelling at him before, about what he was talking about and why he had tried to avoid a conversation or just him in general all the time. Lando didn’t know the truth.

The older one’s face suddenly looked so tired and washed out, because they would have been able to prevent the whole mess, if he had been persistent instead of giving up already so quickly. Lando hadn’t got his message, he had to live with the thought that Carlos really hadn’t want him to know about his future plans at all over the last few months.

But even after all the time that had already passed, his once best friend still deserved to get to know the truth, maybe he will be able to finally find his peace then and maybe he will also be able to understand him, like Carlos could understand him now.

All carefully and slowly he finally tried to explain to him what had really happened that day back in March “They have made a mistake in the Ferrari media department. Actually an already fired employee made the news public without their knowing, without our knowing. The plan was to make it public in the middle of May, not already in March. Yes, I have already signed at that point for Ferrari, but I have also thought to still have enough time to tell everyone about it. Not even my mother nor my sisters knew about it, they had also found out about it through the media, just like you. Lando, believe me, I have really planned to tell it personally to you the next time I would have been allowed to travel to London. The last thing I have ever wanted was for you to find out like that, because nothing of it has ever been only for show. I have really cared about you, I still do. You were my best friend and I have thought all the time that you have read my message, but you are still mad at me, even when it really hadn’t been on me that day. I have always thought you know the truth, but you still hate me anyway. I’m sorry.”

Even when Lando had understood every word Carlos had just told him, he still wasn’t able to understand the meaning of it. So his friend was actually really guiltless and hadn’t done anything of it on purpose? Was it really true that the whole mess was actually only a big misunderstanding the whole time long? Did it mean that everything would have been good between them again, if they had talked for just once?

Lando’s head was shortly before exploring, but then he suddenly remembered about something very important, when he thought back about that day in March already over one year ago. He had got that message from Carlos, he could remember again, but back then he had been so offended, sad, mad and disappointed all at once, that he had deleted the message before even reading just one word.

It was his own fault, it was his fault all the time, not Carlos’. If he wouldn’t have been such a stubborn child, if he had been grown up and decent for just once, the whole mess would have already ended, before it had even started. All those tears, worries, sickness and sadness would have never happened, if Lando had read that damn message or if he would never have pushed Carlos away in the first place. He should have known, that there was something wrong about it, because he should have known his friend actually well enough to know that this wasn’t his way. But now the whole blame did linger on Lando and only him.

And with all those thoughts running through his head and finally finding out the whole truth and that everything would have been good, if he had reacted differently, Lando’s legs boycotted his bodyweight and he saw black.

“Lando!” Carlos caught him just in time, before his powerless body could hit the ground and all carefully he helped him to sit down. And even when he had thought to have already spent all his tears, his weak body was obviously still able to produce new, when those thick teardrops just rolled down his cheeks like little rivers.

“It’s okay, little one. It’s okay. It’s finally over now.” Carlos held him closer, while he cradled him soothingly in his arms. Lando’s knuckles already turned white, while he did hold onto his sweater with all the strength he had left in his broken body.

“Oh, Lando. My sweet, little Lando. You should have talked to me, you should have told me your feelings. We could have figured this out. If I had only known that you suffer so much, I would have never let you feel this way. I have always thought that you don’t like me any more, that you have maybe already forgotten about me and our time together, that my move hadn’t affected you at all. If I had only known..”

Gently the Spaniard petted his head, while he gently held him against his strong chest, trying to comfort him, when he breathed those words into his curls “Have you really thought all the time that I wouldn’t want to let you know? You were my best friend, of course you were. Nothing of that was ever just for show, it was all real. Actually you are still my best friend, Lando. Nothing has changed here and nothing will ever be able to change that. And actually your opinion would have meant everything to me, little one. My interest on you was always real, because you are someone so special to me, Lando. You have always meant the world to me.”

The young Brit’s body was shaking badly under his deep sobs, while he cried out his heart by the curve of Carlos’ neck. “I have thought all the time you knew about it and you are still mad at me. If I had known that you have never got the message, I would have tried to reach you so long till you would have finally listened to me. I’m sorry, everything would have turned out differently, if I wouldn’t have given up.” The Spaniard still tried to comfort him, while whispering his apology into his curls and cradling him gently in his arms.

But Lando was by now really tired about always being the little, crying baby, who still wasn’t able to handle his life properly. He wanted to be reasonable and all grown up at least for once, because also Carlos deserved to get to know the truth, because actually the blame was all on Lando himself and not on his once best friend.

So even when those tears still welled out over the edge of his eyes, Lando took his whole strength together, tried to swallow down the knot inside his throat and turned around in Carlos’ arms, so he could look him in the eyes, when he finally told him the truth

“No Carlos, it’s not your fault. I have actually got your message, I can remember about it again, but.. I was so damn hurt at that moment, that I just deleted it before even reading one word. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. It’s all my fault, it’s always my fault. I’m so damn stupid.”

The Spaniard eyed him for some moments with a puzzled look, trying to get the meaning of his words and what his thoughtless actions had caused them both, but especially himself and at the moment Carlos probably asked himself if he was able to forgive him or not.

Nervously and also very scared, Lando eyed his expression. Feeling still so stupid for what he had done and blaming him the whole time long, even when it really wasn’t Carlos’ fault at all.

But in the end his worries were unnecessary, when the Spaniard framed his face between his warm palms, stroked the still present tears away with his thumbs and smiled all lovely down at him, like he had always used to, like nothing had ever happened between them.

“Oh, Lando. My sweet, clumsy Lando. What have you done this time, you muppet?” Carlos asked with even a smile on his lips, but he didn’t sound angry at him at all, actually the total opposite even. His voice was soft, filled with admiration and even understanding, maybe also a little teasing.

“I’m so, so, so sorry, Carlos. I really don’t know how to excuse my actions any more. They are right, I’m really too stupid for everything.” Lando admitted instead of returning the smile, because he still didn’t feel like laughing at all, actually he did feel sick once again.

“Lando, it’s okay. It’s over now, we have finally talked about it and we both have got to know the truth. What happened has happened, we can’t change the past any more anyway and it really wasn’t your entry fault. I’m as much to blame for it as you are, but please stop thinking about it. I mean, we are finally good again, right?” 

Tears were still falling down his face, when he urgently nodded his head in agreement and he even tried to give his ex-team mate some kind of smile in return, even when he failed pitifully. “I still wish I have read your message.” Lando admitted, while he sniffed the last rest of his tears away.

“You know, you actually still can if you want.” Confused the young Brit watched his friend shifting and pulling his phone out of his pocket. Carlos finally took place opposite him, searching for something on his phone, before he handled it over to the younger one.

“You.. you have still kept the message?” Lando asked surprised, to which Carlos asked with a smile and maybe a little reddened cheeks “Not only that message, I have kept all of our messages.” He had really kept all their messages they had ever sent each other, till the first day. Carlos had really saved them all the time.

With shaking hands and new tears already building up in his eyes once again, Lando read over the sentences of the message his friend had written him such a long time ago. And if he had read it already back then, everything would have been clear, because he could tell Carlos had written his heart into that message. Everything would have been good and nothing of the whole mess would have ever happened.

Carlos eyed the younger one closely, while he did read his message. Yes, he also asked himself how things would be now, if Lando had read the message already back then, but like he had already said himself, they couldn’t change the past any more, they had to focus on their future and also about the here and now.

Because now, after everything had been cleared, they could start from new and Carlos really couldn’t wait for it. He wasn’t angry at Lando at all, he knew he hadn’t deleted the message before reading it on purpose, he could see it in his reaction now and also how hurt he still was about everything. Besides, Carlos had never managed it to be mad at him for too long anyway.

When Lando was finally finished with reading, he looked up, eyes already all glassy again and his lower lip was shaking, while he tried to hold back those tears swimming in his eyes, but he still managed it to gift his friend a little smile, while he handled him the phone back.

“I have really tried to tell you what has happened that day, but because I have assumed you have read my message, I have thought you don’t want anything to do with me any more, so I gave up. If I had known, I would have never given up. Thinking now about it, I should have found a way to get to you and talk to you in person, but I have thought it was better that way, for both of us.” Understanding Lando nodded his head, still feeling guilty and bad and he just wanted to secure his friend that he should have also tried to talk to him and not being the stubborn, offended kid all the time, but before he could do so, the Spaniard asked

“Is there something else you still want to tell me? I mean, we are still captured here, we still have time, so you can tell me everything if you want. You can also yell at me again, if it helps. All those things that have ever annoyed you about me.” Carlos joked, but he really meant it. He wanted to get all those misunderstanding out of their way, before they will start a fresh friendship.

But if Lando was serious, there was indeed one thing he wanted to tell the older one since such a long time. It was really nothing that did annoy him about his friend, the total contrary actually. But he never had the strength to tell him so, but right here, right now at this moment, Lando thought it was finally time to also let him know about that.

But even when he had already opened his mouth a split, words still didn’t come over his lips, he was just unable to form any. But this time Lando didn’t want to be the little, cowardly kid any more. He had enough of it and he really didn’t think about the consequences at all, when he suddenly leaned forward, supported his palms on Carlos’ thighs and tenderly kissed his full lips all carefully.

It was just a quick, sweet kiss, but still it was full of love and admiration towards the older one. Lando did love Carlos since already such a long time, he just had to tell or better show him his true feelings for him, he just couldn’t start their new friendship with a lie.

Of course, it had taken the Spaniard by surprise and he actually didn’t even get the chance to response his soft kiss at all, because Lando already pulled away again that quickly.

With big eyes he looked down at the younger one, at his lips still formed into a perfect kiss mouth he best wanted to claim as his instantly, but then Lando’s eyes widened almost painfully and he moved his finger through his curls all desperately

“Oh my God. Oh. My. God. What have I done? Oh no. No, no, no. I shouldn’t have done this. I’m sorry.” It came all quickly and almost hysteric from the young Brit’s lips, confusing Carlos completely with it. Not even five seconds ago he had pressed his lips all gently against his own, kissing him for the first time and now he already regretted it again?

But before the Spaniard could ask him what had happened, what had changed his mind so quickly, if he had maybe done anything wrong or why he thought he shouldn’t have done this, Lando finally added and only confused him so even more with it “You have a boyfriend and I have kissed you, even though I know you are in a relationship.”

In the meantime the young Brit had crawled back into the corner, trying to get as much distance between them as possible again. “What are you talking about, Lando? I’m not in a relationship.” Carlos really didn’t know why he thought he had a boyfriend, because since they have stopped talking to each other, he only always wanted him all the time. No one else and it was still like that and also nothing will ever change his love for the younger one.

But Lando obviously had another opinion, when he looked at him with a deep frown on his forehead and probably as confused as Carlos was himself. Slowly the young Brit got up on his feet again, feeling suddenly strong enough for it, because he had sworn himself to not ever get that hurt again, even from Carlos.

But he obviously wanted to start their new-found closeness with a lie, in contrast to him and that made Lando once again angry. Had all those words really meant nothing to him, was Lando maybe really right with that the Spaniard only lied to him and did use him all the time? Lando had really believed they had cleared everything.

Also Carlos had got onto his feet, but Lando didn’t get intimidated because of it. He stayed strong, because he was done with everyone always lying to him, because they thought he was too weak. “Don’t lie right into my face, Carlos.”

Worthless the older one shook his head, while he strained thought about what he could mean. “I’m not lying to you, Lando. Why do you think I have a boyfriend?” Even without wanting it, he could feel new tears burning in his eyes, when he let his head drop and shook it in disbelief. Carlos did really lie to him and he wasn’t even ashamed about it.

“Because I have seen you together. You and Charles. After your first win, behind the trucks.” The second those words fell over Lando’s lips, Carlos finally got it and even when he normally didn’t have a problem with talking about this topic, his cheeks still turned pink and he first didn’t know what to answer, because how could he explain this to Lando so he will understand it.

“Oh.” It finally left the Spaniard’s lips, still all clueless about where to start. “Yeah, oh. And you really want me to trust you again, when you don’t tell me the whole truth.” Lando asked with a thin, hurt voice and seeing him all down like that finally brought Carlos back to his senses.

“Lando, listen. It’s really not like that.” He tried to explain, but he already got interrupted from Lando, when he said all sarcastic and moved his hands all outraged “Oh, really? How was is it then? Do you want to tell me, he had only wanted to congratulate you for you win? Do you maybe want to tell me, that I only imagined things? Do you really think I’m that dumb? Hell, Carlos. I don’t ever want to see you again the second we will get out of here.”

“Lando, stop!” He was surprised about the Spaniard’s suddenly so loud and sharp voice, also about the tight grip from his hands around his wrists, stopping him so from going on. “You will listen to me now or everything will end in another big misunderstanding once again. And I also can’t get through this a second time. You heard me?”

A little intimidated the young Brit finally nodded agreeing his head, even when he knew at the same time, that Carlos would never hurt him. “I am _not_ together with Charles. Yes, what you have seen is true, but we only.. we only have some fun together. Nothing more. We only do so, because we can’t have the one we actually want. Do you understand that?”

Indeed understanding, Lando nodded his head, seriously asking himself why Max and he had never come up with that idea. It wasn’t like Lando was that needy and desperately, but still. That idea had never crossed their minds. Of course, it hadn’t. Max and he did share the same level of dumbness. In contrast to Carlos and Charles.

“Good.” The older one said more to himself than to his friend, before he finally let go off him again. Instead, he looked at him with a tilted head, asking himself why he had kissed him, when he was actually together with Max. Was Lando unhappy in their relationship? Did Max treat him maybe not good?

“And what about you? Are Max and you aren’t happy any more? Or why have you kissed me?” Carlos asked carefully, because actually it was none of his business, but just thinking about that the Dutch could treat him bad in any kind of way already made him all mad and worried about his once best friend. It automatically started the protection mode inside him.

“Max? What has Max to do with it?” Lando asked confused and since he had freaked out about the thought that Carlos wasn’t telling him the truth, the Spaniard assumed that he was indeed telling him the truth right now.

“Max and you, you are together, right?” Just on his reaction, Carlos could already tell, that this really wasn’t the case and the flame of hope instantly began to light up deep inside his chest. Quickly Lando shook his head, before he also confirmed him so with words “No, we aren’t. We are just friends. We also don’t have that kind of friends-with-benefits-thing like you and Charles have. Why have thought so?”

Unsure Carlos shrugged his shoulders, because if he was serious there had never been a moment, where he could tell for one hundred per cent about them being a couple. In contrast to what Lando had seen that day of his first podium. “I don’t know. Charles and I just always thought so, because you are pretty close.”

“Yeah, we are close, but not that close.” Lando admitted and best Carlos already wanted to tell his team mate the news already now, because it didn’t only mean that he had now a chance by Lando, but also Charles could finally try his luck by the young Dutch.

“I’m still sorry for just kissing you. I shouldn’t have done it. You are with Charles.” Lando whispered, while looking all unsure up at him through his eyelashes. “Lando, I’m really not together with Charles. Believe me.” The Spaniard tried once more to finally convince him about it.

“Okay, but I still shouldn’t have done it. I mean, you said you actually want to be together with someone else. Someone else you can’t have.” Lando really couldn’t look him in the eyes any more then, because just the thought about that Carlos’ heart did linger for someone else, someone who wasn’t him, did hurt too much.

“Yeah, someone I have thought I can’t have. Until a few minutes ago.” The older one teased and only then Lando realized that Max was obviously the one his once best friend had always wanted the whole time long. And once again, he felt all sick and the sadness washed over him, causing him even to tremble.

“I hope you will find your happiness.” Lando really meant what he said, but he knew the Spaniard won’t find that happiness with Max, because he was in love with Charles since a half eternity. At least the Dutch will get the chance to get the one he loved with the two Ferrari drivers not being together, in contrast to him. Carlos will never belong to him.

Lando was still deep inside his thoughts, when Carlos’ words suddenly brought him back to life, when he told him with a lightly amused voice “Lando. I’m sorry, but you are really a little dumb sometimes. Aren’t you?”

What was that supposed to mean now, Lando asked himself already offended. Why did Carlos have to be that offensive now and what had he got wrong this time? What had he done false again now? His clueless caused the Spaniard finally to laugh and only made Lando feel even more stupid.

Carlos really couldn’t believe it. He had thought latest by his last statement Lando should have got it, instead he was now thinking that Max was the one he couldn’t have and had actually wanted the whole time long.

“Lando.” The Spaniard said his name all softly, his voice filled with admiration towards the younger one and his cute confusion from time to time. “It’s you, you little dummy. I was talking about you here, not about Max. You are the one I want already since a half eternity. You are the one I have thought I can’t have till a few minutes ago. Lando, you muppet, I love you.”

Perplex and totally shocked, the young Brit stared at his ex-team mate in surprise. He didn’t know if the oxygen inside here had already become so thin that he imagined things, or maybe he had already even fainted and was only dreaming this all here.

“Really?” Lando finally managed it to ask all carefully with a small, scratchy voice, because actually he felt as alive as never before. His heart was racing inside his chest, he could hear the blood rushing through his body in his ears and Carlos in front of him looked so real and trustworthy.

“Really, Lando. I would never lie to you about that, especially not after everything. I really do and I got the feeling that you maybe feel the same about me.” Carlos asked with a wide grin on his lips, while watching his expression change all abruptly, when also his lips formed a big smile.

“So I’m allowed to kiss you?” He still asked, because he needed it to hear from the Spaniard’s own lips. “I even ask for it, cabron.” Carlos teased, before in the next second he already found the younger one in his arms. Even when there was really not much space inside here, Lando had still managed to jump up into his arms, hug his belly with his legs and cross his arms by the back of his neck.

Maybe their lips crashed together a little too stormy, but after everything it still felt right in the most pleasurable way. Now also Carlos finally kissed the younger one back, when he supported him with one hand on his back, holding him close to his body, while he let his other hand disappear inside Lando’s cute curls, stroking tenderly through his soft baby curls at the back of his neck.

When they slowly but sure calmed down and they deepened their kisses, Carlos carried Lando over to let him down on the handrail in the corner, stepping between his legs to get as close as possible to him.

This was their real first kiss, the kiss they had both lingered for for so long. Finally, finally they had found to each other, without any misunderstandings between them any more. Just the two of them and who they really were.

When they both ran out of breath, Carlos lightly pulled away but just enough so he could rest his forehead against Lando’s, while they were still breathing all quickly. Lando had his legs still wrapped around the Spaniard’s belly, holding him close, making sure he couldn’t go anywhere, even when they were still captured inside here.

All gently Carlos stroked with the back of his fingers over Lando’s from their deep, passionate kisses reddened cheeks. “You still haven’t said it, carino. That you also love me.” The Spaniard smiled down at him, before he winked cheekily, because he actually exactly knew it.

“I have thought it was obvious.” Lando whispered, while he pulled Carlos’ face closer to his again, so he could stroke over the tip of his nose with his own. “Of course, I also love you, you muppet. Since a half eternity already.”

Just one second ago they had still beamed all happily and relieved at each other, but in the next moment Lando suddenly dropped his eyes and the smile on his lips also faded away. “What’s wrong, carino?” Sadly the young Brit shrugged his shoulders and when Carlos placed his finger under his chin to lift his face, he had to look right back into his eyes again and the sparkle from before was suddenly completely gone.

“Tell me, Lando. Please. No more unspoken things, alright?” Agreeing Lando nodded his head, before he finally told him his sorrows “I just had to think about what would have happened, if I had read your message. Maybe we would already be together since a long time. We have wasted so much time, while just thinking about each other all the time. Not knowing that the other actually wanted the same. It’s sad. I wish I could turn back time.”

“Lando, mi amor. Please, stop thinking about it. I have already told you, we can’t change the past any more, but the future is ours. We are finally together now, that’s all what matters. Right?” Carlos tried to comfort him, while stroking over his sides. Agreeing the younger one nodded his head and latest when the Spaniard claimed his lips as his once again for another sweet and so tender kiss, his worries were gone completely, because once again Carlos was right.

They were still totally into their kisses, they let their tongues dance together and who knew what else would have happened in here, when the elevator wouldn’t have begun to move again suddenly and they jumped apart in surprise.

Carlos carefully helped Lando down from the handrail, before he wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him into his side to place a soft kiss onto his hairline. “Please, come with me into my room, mi corazon. We still have to talk about so much.” The Spaniard breathed into his curls and how could Lando ever deny that offer? Finally, the doors of the elevator opened and even when this incident had changed their lives, they were still pretty relieved to finally step outside their little prison.

Hand in hand Carlos did lead the younger one down the corridor, the fastest way inside his hotel room, because even when they had been alone over the last hour, he still couldn’t wait any more to close the door behind them, lock out the world around them and only be with Lando.

They had just made themselves comfortable on top of his bed, Lando in his arms, resting his head against his shoulder, while they both leaned against the headboard of the bed, and Carlos had also just wanted to tell the younger one his version about that day back in March, when someone knocked at his door.

“It’s me.” The couple could hear the familiar voice on the other side of the door and Lando instinctively rolled his eyes and sighted annoyed. “Did you have a date or something like that for another round of fun tonight?” The young Brit muttered already all jealous again, while he crossed his arms in front of his chest and pouted by just the thought of it.

“Don’t be jealous, mi amor. We have just wanted to play some FIFA tonight, but I think we have to delay that.” Carlos winked down at his boyfriend, before he crawled out of bed to open the door for his team mate.

Like already so many times before, the young Monégasque naturally stepped inside, but his tracks stopped instantly, when he saw the McLaren driver sitting on top of his team mate’s bed. “Hey, Charles.” Lando greeted him friendly, even when he wished he wouldn’t have interrupted them, but to do his boyfriend a favour, he tried to be nice to the Ferrari driver.

“Lando.” Charles whispered confused, before he looked over to Carlos, searching for any answers about how it came to that the love of his friend’s life was sitting there on top of his bed, before his eyes wandered back to the young Brit, who gifted him a small smile.

“Lando!” Charles repeated his name, when he finally got it what was going on here and in the next second the youngest could watch a very excited and overjoyed Charles jumping closer to his team mate and hugging him all tightly.

Instantly that knot was back deep inside Lando’s belly, while watching the two of them so close, especially because Carlos looked so happy as well and hugged his team mate all heartily back. They began to squeak something in Italian Lando couldn’t understand at all, which only made him even more jealous and offended.

The two team mates mentioned his name a few times and once again Lando wished to be able to understand them, but even though he didn’t understand those words they exchanged all thrilled, especially Carlos speaking all quickly and blissfully happy, waving excited with his hands while doing so, Lando still somehow got it, that his boyfriend was currently probably telling his team mate about what had happened inside the elevator.

But then the Spaniard also mentioned Max and by his friend’s name, Lando watched them even closer and had to see how Charles’ head dropped and the whole happiness inside the young Monégasque got quickly replaced by deep sadness.

Yes, it was kind of cute to see Carlos trying to comfort the younger one and also embolden him, with laying his hands on top of his shoulder and trying to catch his eyes again, but Lando would still prefer his boyfriend to lay right next to him and cuddle with him instead.

But whatever Carlos had whispered to his team mate, it seemed to have worked, because Charles straightened himself again, nodded his head in agreement and finally also a smile formed onto his lips again. Gently the Spaniard shoved him in an encouraging gesture into the direction of the door and before Charles let the two of them alone again and literally ran down the corridor, he said a quick _ciao_.

Carlos just wanted to crawl back next to his boyfriend’s side on top of the bed, when Lando instantly wanted to know, not being able to hold back his jealousy and curiously any more “What have the two of you talked about?” Confused the older one eyed him, acting like he didn’t know about what he was talking about. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t buy me for stupid, Carlos. I have heard you mentioning my name and also Max’s. You know, I think it’s pretty nasty from you to speak in Italian in front of me, exactly knowing that I can’t understand one word.” He complained, while trying to bring some more distance between each other again, but like before Carlos didn’t even give him the chance to do so and create so another misunderstanding.

“I’m sorry, carino. It wasn’t my intention, really. But Charles and I always speak Italian with each other, it was a force of habit and I was so excited to tell him what has happened. I didn’t want to lock you out of our conversation. I’m really sorry and I promise this won’t ever happen again.” Carlos apologized so sincerely, before he kissed his tremble, that Lando just couldn’t help himself and forgive him instantly.

“Alright, but you still need to tell me what you have said to him. You know, Max is my friend.” The young Brit emphasized once more, while he cuddled himself against his boyfriend’s side again, because he was tired of fighting and argue. Carlos sighted and really thought about if he was allowed to tell Lando his friend’s secret, but in the end he did decide for it, because maybe he could even help Charles to make his biggest dream come true and he knew that Lando would be sad, disappointed and maybe angry at him once again, if he won’t tell him the truth.

“Okay, but you need to promise me to not tell anyone about it, alright?” The Spaniard told him seriously and agreeing the younger one nodded promising his head. “I have told you that we both, Charles and me, just had some fun together because we both couldn’t have the one we actually love. Well, Charles.. Charles is head over heels in love with Max.”

“He is what?” Lando asked all shocked and in disbelief, while he supported himself on his elbows to look right into his boyfriend’s eyes to make sure he wasn’t just joking. “Yeah, I know it actually sounds pretty crazy.” Carlos chuckled, before he added “But he really loves him with all he has. He is crazy after him and I just told him that the two of you aren’t together, like we have expected all the time, and he has the chance now to win his heart. I know it’s probably impossible and the most stupid idea ever, but he should at least try it, after he had also suffered for so long. At least he will have clarity then and can go on, if Max won’t return his feelings.”

With an in surprise still widened mouth and big eyes, Lando was still looking back at the older one, not knowing what to say, not knowing where to start, but he also didn’t have to reply at all in the end, because in the next second his boyfriend’s phone began to ring.

“It’s Charles.” Carlos informed, before he answered the call and turned on speakerphone, now that Lando was involved in his secret as well. The Monégasque complained, almost crying something into the phone in Italian, Lando once again couldn’t understand.

But of course, his boyfriend did hold his promise, when he answered his team mate in English, so also he could understand and got to know about what Charles had been talking about. “Sure you can do this. You have waited for this moment for so long. You just have to knock at his hotel room and ask him if you can talk. Charles, you finally have to tell him about how you feel.”

“I.. I don’t know, Carlos. What if he yells at me once again, maybe he doesn’t even want to talk with me or even worse what if he will laugh at me, what if he makes fun of me and my feelings for him and tell everyone about it.” Charles whined into the phone all desperately, not knowing what to do.

“Charles, here is Lando. Don’t be mad at him, but Carlos told me about you being in love with Max and I also have to tell you something, if you want to believe me or not.” Lando finally took over the conversation, which caused Carlos but also Charles on the other end of the line to quieten in surprise and listen to him all closely, before he finally went on

“Max also loves you, Charles. He really does, with his whole heart.” The young Brit could only imagine how the young Ferrari driver on the other end of the line did look at the moment, probably not much different from his boyfriend next to him. “Lando.” Carlos said warningly, being afraid that he only made fun out of Charles’ hopeless situation and also the young Monégasque cried into the phone “Don’t tell me something like that, if it’s not true.”

“But it is the truth, Charles. Believe me. I exactly know it. Max loves you with everything he has, he just can’t show it. He could only show his affection to you the way he has done the whole time long, it’s just how he is. But believe me, he loves you more than anyone else and he cares about you more than you can even imagine.”

Lando stopped here to let the older one time to process what he had just heard and when the couple could hear him sobbing and crying into the phone, the young Brit finally went on “Listen, Charles. If you really want to get a chance to talk to Max, you have to kiss him. Instantly, the moment he opens the door, before he can even greet you and push you away. I promise, he will give in then, but only this way. Believe me, I know how his muppet brain works.”

Carlos finally found his voice again, after he had eyed him that shocked way for the last moments, when he motivated his team mate as well “You have heard Lando, mate. About what are you still afraid any more with now knowing that he also loves you? What are you waiting for any more? You can’t lose anything, go and finally get him.” The couple could hear Charles sniff his tears away and with a still teary, but also already stronger voice again, he promised them to keep it together from now on and that he will use his chance.

After Carlos and Lando had wished him luck and encouraged him once more, they finally ended the call and not only the Spaniard was happy for his friend’s biggest dream hopefully coming true as well now, but also his boyfriend was happy for Max and he really, really hoped that the Dutch will let it happen and that he will also finally find his happiness.

The two of them began to giggle when their eyes met and while Carlos pulled the younger one closer again, he told him “Enough with playing Amor tonight, mi amor. Now it’s our turn.” Lando could only agree to that, when the older one winked down at him and he cuddled himself even deeper into his boyfriend’s arms, looking up at Carlos like the treasure he was for him.

The two of them talked then, they really talked. First, Carlos told him his version of the whole mess and how it even came that far. Also Lando did so afterwards and let his boyfriend ask questions and always answered them all honest. Also the Spaniard let his boyfriend ask whatever he wanted.

Lando seemed to have special interest in the story about how it came to that Charles and he did have some fun together. If he was serious, Carlos felt a little uncomfortable about talk about in every detail the younger one wanted to know, but of course he also had understanding for his curiosity. Lando needed to hear so to finally end that chapter of their lives.

Carlos could see that his boyfriend was on the one side grateful about that he told him everything he wanted to know, but on the other side he could also see how sadder a sadder he got with every minute talking about it.

They were both finally relieved, when the topic was gone and Carlos pulled the younger onto his lap to comfort him. Lando got kissed then like never before in his life. His boyfriend wouldn’t even have to tell him that this was over now and he was the only one he wanted to be close like that, because his kisses already told him all that.

Carlos let his lips move over Lando’s all tenderly, so intensely and all affectionately that he could feel hot tears building up in his eyes, because he was so touched about his boyfriend’s dedication. His lips were still prickling from the kiss, even moments after the Spaniard had already pulled away, leaving no doubt that Lando was the one he did dote. The first and the only one he will ever dote on that much.

Lando was aware about that Carlos could see his own reflection in his glassy eyes, while he looked deep inside his soul. “Please, promise me that we will always stay together from now on and that we will always tell each other everything and also listen to each other. That something like this won’t ever happen again, because I just can’t leave without you ever again. It would break me.”

“I promise, I really do. I also can’t leave with you any more, I never could. I love you, Carlos. I love you so much.” Lando whispered in return, while smiling and crying at the same time. Lovely the older one caressed with the back of his fingers over his boyfriend’s tear strained cheek, before he breathed against his lips “Te quiero mucho, carino. You and me forever.”

Carlos really adored those sweet giggles he caused from the younger one, while he stroked with the tip of his nose of his cute one, after they had shared some more of these expressive kisses and Lando’s tears had finally dried completely.

Gently he brushed that one adorable curl out of his boyfriend’s face, before he asked all carefully, because he really didn’t want to push already too much tonight, after they had just finally found to each other “Would you like to stay next to me over the night, carino?”

Determined, but at the same time still a little insecure, Lando nodded his head agreeing, because he also didn’t want to spend the night alone and he also knew that Carlos will take good care of him and won’t force him to anything he didn’t want to do.

The Spaniard smiled at him in pure affection and love and also the younger one did so, before he leaned down to cover his plumb lips with his own for another soft kiss. First, Carlos was supporting him on his hips, before he let his warm palms wander up and down his sides, causing Lando so to shiver, but in a very good kind of way.

Little moans and whimpers already escaped their lips, when their kisses got deeper and more passionate and Carlos had just flipped Lando over, so he did lean over his boyfriend and smiled down at him in affection, when once again the Spaniard’s phone did ring.

Annoyed he looked at the caller ID for getting interrupted once again and muttered sarcastic, when he got it that it was once again Charles who tried to reach him “For interrupting our precious time together again, I really hope for them that at least one of the two of them is in seriously danger.”

Lando giggled by his comment, but also like Carlos he didn’t mean it serious, because they both really cared about the friends and if they were honest, they were also a little curious about how their conversation had turned out. The young Brit cuddled himself closer to his boyfriend, who wrapped his arm instantly around him to pull him even closer, when he finally answered the face time call.

Before they could even greet the other two, Charles and Max instantly began to speak all loudly, nervously and mixed-up into the phone, while the couple just looked at their nude appearance in front of the camera. Luckily they were only able to see their bare upper bodies, but even without seeing the rest of them, they both knew that they were all naked there as well.

And because the couple was so shocked about the two biggest enemies really calling them all nude, with still rosy cheeks from the just happened excitement, so close to each other like they had never seen them before and almost yelling into the phone at the same time, Carlos and Lando couldn’t understand one word, why the Spaniard finally stopped them and forced them to breathe through, before telling them all slowly what had happened.

“Carlos, is it really true that Charles and you aren’t together?” Max finally asked quickly, urgently wanting to know the truth, while he really tried to keep it together, even though they all knew and they could also see it, that Max really had trouble doing so. “Yeah, it’s true. Charles says the truth, we only had some fun together, but it was never something serious between us.”

“See, I told you.” Charles commented lightly angry about the Dutch not believing him at the first place. Max only rolled his eyes about his triumph, before he quickly went on “Yeah and did he also say the truth about you and Carlos being really together now?” Max asked his friend that question now, while looking between the couple.

Carlos and Lando shared a look, before the older one pulled his boyfriend even closer and kissed the top of his head in affection, before the young Brit answered his friend all cheekily and sarcastic “What else does this look like to you, you muppet?”

The Dutch showed him his tongue in response and he also rolled his eyes, while Charles once again rubbed it under his nose to be right once again. “Haha, so funny. But yeah, I see. Whatever Carlos has told you in that elevator must have been something very promising.” Max teased back with a wink, but his comment backfired, when Lando told him with raised eyebrows “Not that much like the things Charles has obviously promised to you, because in contrast to the two of you, we are still fully dressed.”

Only then the once worst enemies realized that they were still all naked, when they looked down at each other. They had completely forgotten about that fact, when they had decided to call the two of them in the heat of their conflict about if Charles really told Max the truth or not.

So it didn’t just stay by the kiss then, Carlos and Lando thought to themselves while they smirked at the screen with a big grin, before they did burst out into laughers by their embarrassed expressions, seeing how badly their cheeks did blush even more than they already were and Charles trying to hide his naked self behind Max.

“It’s okay, you needy muppets. Just don’t overdo it tonight and don’t interrupt us any more. We will see you tomorrow.” Carlos finally ended the call and so also their embarrassment, before Max and Charles quickly nodded agreeing their heads and wished them good night.

But not only had these two stayed the only naked couple that night. After everything was finally said, every misunderstanding was out of the way and they were finally able to understand the other one’s actions fully, it was also time for Carlos and Lando to let their past behind and dedicate on the nice things in life.

And it felt so naturally, like they had been together since already such a long time, when Carlos kissed Lando out of his clothes and breathed promises against his skin the whole time long. Promises about them staying together forever, to not ever lose each other again, about that something like those many misunderstandings won’t ever happen to them again, because their love will always be stronger.

Between those sweet, soft kisses he did press everywhere on his from the excitement lightly shaking body, Carlos told him to stop worrying about their past, to think about their future instead and enjoy the present, especially this moment.

Carlos’ soft touches, his whispers causing goose bumps on his skin and especially the way he looked down at him with his warm, chocolate coloured eyes, calmed Lando completely and he let himself fall in his boyfriend’s arm.

When they finally connected their lips again, after being separated for already way too long for their liking, they both melted completely into each other. Their longing kisses did finally lead to more, when they weren’t enough any more.

Lando’s body was on fire, wherever the Spaniard’s so much bigger hands did land on, making him feel all loved and safe. And even though he once again couldn’t understand one word, he didn’t care about it this time, when Carlos whispered sweet nothings in Spanish into his ear.

To hear his familiar, soft voice so close, to feel his words vibration deep inside his ear, caused the young Brit to shiver badly. The way his body reacted to his voice, prepared him for what was coming.

Carlos helped him through the pain with taking his hand into his, kissing his fingers and telling him how much he loved him, how bad he cared about him and no matter what their future will bring, he will always be there for him, taking care of him, holding him close. He would do everything to keep him safe.

When Lando had finally got used to that feeling deep inside himself, he opened his eyes again, after he had pressed them closed and had hissed out in pain for the last minutes, and looked right back into his favourite pair of eyes.

Lando then finally smashed his lips against his boyfriend’s, when the pain had got replaced by pure devotion towards the older one, feeling and having him close like never before. Carlos kissed him back with all he had, leaving no doubts about what he meant to him. The world and even more.

All entwined they moved all slowly as one with Lando hugging the older one’s hips with his legs and Carlos crossing his arms on his boyfriend’s back. Promises were given, confessions of endless love and trust shared, until they reached the climax together.

While they were both shivering through the aftershock of making pure love, Carlos kept on kissing the younger one’s now so exhausted and tired, but not less cute looking face. In return Lando let his fingertips float over his boyfriend’s lightly sweating back and sensitive sides, until he felt ready again to open his eyes again and return the soft smile playing on the Spaniard’s plumb lips.

They both couldn’t remember if they had ever felt so satisfied in every possible way, when they had fallen asleep that evening. Happy to finally have each other back and even more than they would have ever dared to wish for. Happy that all those stupid misunderstandings were finally out of the world, happy for their best friends, about them finding their own happiness with each other as well and happy that from now on every day will be a good one with waking up and also falling asleep next to each other.

After this long, hard and very difficult journey, they had finally found their places. They had finally found out about where they do belong to, to whom they do belong to. They had finally found out who they really were. Nothing alone, but everything and even more together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaannd... What do you think, after this bear chapter? How do you feel? 😅
> 
> Finally, FINALLY all those stupid misunderstandings are out of the way and our boys can be happy! ❤️
> 
> Actually, I have planned one more little (I promise!) chapter focused on Max and Charles, but for now I will leave it like that and whenever I will feel about writing it, I will give it a try 😊
> 
> Until then, thanks for reading and being so patient with me! 
> 
> You guys are the best! ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> You can also find me on Tumblr - someone-worth-racing-for ❤️


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